Hamilton Rain

12 Weeks Already?

2012-02-09T21:14:00.000-05:00

And here we are ... already 12 weeks old!!

And wow - time has just FLOWN by around here. I can't believe I really have to think about going back to work soon but reality sets in as my funds go down while the formula is still flowing and the dirty diapers continue to pile up (about 400 hundred a month ... yep, I said FOUR HUNDRED).

Anyway, enough depressing news!

Let me tell you what's new with these little guys!

At their last doctor's appointment, Matthew weighed 10lbs 11oz and Aria weighed 9lbs 10oz (although truth be told, Matthew feels like he weighs at least 5lbs more!).

They both respond to voices and follow objects and sounds with they eyes and head now. They either complain about things that bother them or smile when they hear something that makes them happy. Aria has found her fist and puts it in her mouth any chance she gets (or when she realizes that it's there again).

Matthew is very laid back but takes after his dad's hunger pangs. Think Snicker's commercial slogan "You're not yourself when you're hungry". How TRUE that is!!! He is already cutting a tooth (yikes!). We may start him on a little cereal at four months (with our doctor's ok).

Aria is a little more particular ... about everything. I suppose she takes after me there but I say that there is nothing wrong with having high standards!

We had a month of "Firsts" in January. We all took our first solo trip out.

Check out his little vest ...

Aria is a lot more excited than Matthew.

And where did we go on this monumental trip?

Where else but ...

Might I add that it was rainy and probably not the best day to make that trip out with two babies alone but I had such cabin fever, I honestly didn't care.

And I also made a deposit at the bank, mailed some letters and got a coffee.

What do all those places have in common?

Drive thrus, my friend.

Us moms seriously need a lot more drive thrus. Especially moms of multiples. Think this through ... I could order my things online at Target and then just drive thru to pick them up. That equals a little bit of retail heaven! :)

I finally also made it to my first Queen City Mothers of Twins Club event. It was a mom's night out event at a place called You're Fired in Bedford, NH. It was a great time. I decided to make two owl banks. They came out so cute!

And while I've been busy taking care of the babies, Ken has been busy taking care of me.

White roses for me "Just Because"

He surprised me one Saturday afternoon "Just Because". I was so overwhelmed and surprised! Those little things still count and are SO important to keep US recharged and going strong. What's life without a little romance?

Yeah. It exists in a marriage ;)

Sorry this post has been so long overdue! I've been remiss in my motherly duties of taking milestone pictures and videos but I've been trying to be more cognizant of it.

Until next time, Matthew and Aria say good night to you all!

Happy Holidays!!

2011-12-07T15:05:00.007-05:00

The end of 2011 culminates the close of a very blessed year for us.

After many struggles, we finally welcomed two very precious healthy bundles safely into our lives. We're settling into our home in NH and adjusting to different work schedules.

I can't think of any pearls of wisdom or witty sayings at the moment. My ears are listening to my babies napping noises, my mind is slightly sleepy and my body is healing from nine months of growth.

We just want to say thank you to so many people. What a tremendous help it has been for people to drop by with ready made meals, treats for our sweet tooths (guilty!) and baby things. We didn't know or realize we would need it before but we're so thankful for all of these things now.

We hope you enjoyed the birth announcements and our holiday cards are on the way!

In case you missed it or are not on Facebook, click below to view our Christmas card and photos:

Counted Blessings:Peppermint Christmas Cards
Check out our collection of Christmas cards and holiday cards.

Wishing all of you out there a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
May it be filled with laughter, love and many unexpected joys.

Hugs to all,
Ken, Naria, Emma, Matthew & Aria

First Photo Shoot

2011-12-05T16:57:00.001-05:00

Things at the Hamilton household are quite hectic these days. Juggling the feedings, explosive diapers (yes, folks - infants can have those too) and household chores consume most of my waking (and sleeping) hours.

Amidst all the loving chaos, we did manage to have a good friend come by for a visit and for the babies' first photo shoot! We took several in their Christmas best as well as some candid no clothes shots.

Here are some of my favorites:

Aria

Matthew

Aria in her stocking

Matthew in his stocking

Holding hands ...

Aria with big sister, Emma

Matthew with his big sister

The End of their First Photo Shoot.

They are Here!!!

2011-12-01T17:24:00.000-05:00

So this is a little late but I've been busy changing diapers and feeding mouths around here!
I'm happy to announce that we welcomed two additions to our home on November 18, 2011.

Matthew Douglas Hamilton was born at 9:45am. He was 7 pounds 2 ounces and 20 inches long. He is our little monkey baby with a head full of dark hair and plenty of body hair to match!

Aria Yong Hamilton was born at 9:46am. She was 5 pounds 11 ounces and 18 inches long. She is our dainty angel with a little halo of fuzz on her head.

Every task is doubled and now that Ken has returned to work, I have all the night time feedings and diaper changes. That transition hasn't been easy while also trying to recover from my c-section.

Regardless of the lack of sleep and any discomfort, they are my miracle babies. They were born full term at great birth weights. Neither of them needed to go into the NICU as many twins do and were able to come home when I was discharged from the hospital.

Since we've been home, they've been eating great, gaining weight and have been such good babies. They've brought us such peace and a wholeness to our lives.

We were lucky enough to bring them home a few days before Thanksgiving ...

... and we are thankful for our blessings.

(btw, in case you're wondering:

Matthew's shirt says "Mommy's little turkey" and Aria's shirt says "Thankful for daddy".)

We gave them their first baths this past Monday. I can tell you that they weren't as excited as we were.

Matthew's "BEFORE" photo = Content

During...

...and Matthew's "AFTER" photo = NOT content

Aria's "BEFORE" photo seconds before water ...

...And here come the waterworks!

...and drying off ... and camera shy.

Even though the babies weren't as excited about their bath as Ken and I were, it simply illustrates why parents become parents. Reliving every experience through their eyes makes even the most mundane seem like an adventure.

Check back often for updates and our latest adventures!

At last!

2011-11-16T10:38:00.000-05:00

Cliches like "Better late than never" and "Some things are worth waiting for" come to mind as I upload these photos but honestly, thanks for being patient because these photos really should have been posted weeks ago!

So without further ado, our finished nursery ... Only days before their arrival!

Far wall room view

Far right room view

Matthew's Space

Aria's Space

Changing Table

Matthew's mobile (Little green monsters if you couldn't tell :)

Aria's mobile (a little more fancy)

Bamboo Hardwood Floor & Rug

Nursery Light (that also glows in the dark!)

Growth Charts

New picture window

Much needed swing and left side of closet

Left side of closet and middle anchor

Right side of closet

Bouncer

Located outside of nursery door ... Self-explanatory, right?

So I apologize for the grainy photos. I took them with my iPod instead of the camera because it was easier for me to upload but I'm sure you get the general idea.

The stripes details on the nursery walls aren't as easy to see and Ken will tell you now that they look good but don't let him fool you into thinking he was excited about the idea of painting stripes from the get-go. After all the renovations we've been through together, you would think he would leave the details up to me but it is usually still an ongoing "discussion".

Hope you enjoyed the photos. The next ones we post will be the babies living in this room!

Countdown has officially begun as we are now less than two days away!!

Nursery is Almost Complete

2011-11-07T12:25:00.000-05:00

After weeks of hard work, I'm happy to report that we now have hardwood floors installed, walls up and painted, windows installed and even the cribs put together in our nursery. I haven't yet had the chance to take some pictures but I am hoping to do so within the next few days.

I am 36 weeks and 3 days today. If I were only expecting one, 40 weeks would be considered full term. I cannot even imagine waiting four more weeks!! As it is, I'm not looking forward to waiting another two weeks. Well, a little less than two.

Although I have had many good intentions of packing a hospital bag, I haven't even done that yet. Lately, I'm having a hard time just keeping up with my bathroom breaks and the laboring walk (or the pregger shuffle/waddle I now have) just to get to the bathroom.

But I'm not complaining! I am only anxious!

Pictures soon!

Must break for lunch now :)

False Alarm (Dad's Version)

2011-10-26T13:31:00.004-04:00

As I sat quietly in my office on Tuesday morning reviewing the list of items I needed to complete by day’s end, I casually viewed a text message my wife sent.

"Gah - going to Labor & Delivery for IV. Boo".

Now, my first reaction, as I am sure most expecting fathers would be, was one of pure shock and scared out of my pants!

I was thinking to myself, the bedroom is not ready, the house is not ready, we still need another car seat, and hell, I'm not ready!

My mind was racing when I started to text her back asking if everything is ok. I had to wait a good 10 minutes for a reply because there were nurses and doctors in her room. I will say those ten minutes felt more like 10 hours and the whole time I am wondering, “Is she delivering”?

My fears were solidified when she finally texted back ten minutes/hours later stating she was having contractions!

I jumped to my feet thinking I am about to be the father of twins coming a month early. I promptly called my wife’s cell phone to see how she was doing and what I needed to bring.

Of course, she did not answer the phone....................At this point I am packing up my stuff and getting ready to head to the hospital.

I was moving through my office like a pro football running back having flash backs of my youth. Now, I will not sit here and say I was driving to the hospital like an old man on a Sunday morning gazing at the leaves. However, I did make it from the office in downtown Boston to Allston in record time. Mario Andretti would have been proud.

I burst into the hospital room my beautiful wife was in, half expecting to see her in the throes of child birth. Instead, I see her lying there as cool as cucumber watching Jerry Springer while sipping her Apple juice.

Her response to me coming in the room, “Can we get Mama’s for dinner tonight?”

Needless to say, it was a false alarm, this is my story and I am sticking to it!

The Waiting Game ...

2011-10-26T13:28:00.000-04:00

34 weeks and 5 days today. We have about 3 more weeks to go.

Yikes!

So close and yet so far away, right?

Even though I'm sure every mom-to-be experiences anxiety and excitement towards the end, I can tell you, it's none too pleasant. I still don't feel prepared at all.

Hospital bag is NOT packed.

Baby clothes are NOT laundered.

Nursery is NOT done.

All baby items NOT purchased.

But I try to keep positive. I'm still working full time from home at this point although I seem to get exhausted easily and my extremities ache. I have many good intentions to get things accomplished in tandem to working. Even though I sit at a computer all day for work, I don't find all that much time to do the other things I need to do during the day. I barely find the time and the energy to make myself breakfast and lunch.

Wah! Wah! Wah!

I'm done whining now.

I did buy the extra car base we needed on Amazon today. I cleaned up some clutter around the house today and I am hoping to complete a few other tasks between bathroom breaks. I am also planning to cook dinner tonight as well.

I'm thankful to NOT be on bedrest at this point so I'm most thankful for that.

Sacrifice = Labor of Love.

False Alarm

2011-10-19T09:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went to my weekly prenatal office visit not really thinking anything was out of the ordinary. Of course, I live in NH and my doctor is in Boston so if you are from this area, you can simply imagine the type of horrific traffic that is required to get from Point A to Point B.

I left the house at 7:30a and got there just 15 minutes before my appointment ... which was scheduled for 9:30a.

It is routine for me to have a non stress test every week now since we're only about a month away from delivery. Needless to say, that seems to be where it all went downhill. My usual standard appointment turned into a "put on a johnny and get to labor & delivery" appointment.

I was hooked to IVs, strapped to monitors and I wondered "Would this be a bad time to ask to go to the bathroom?"

In the end, it was a false alarm and I was allowed to go home with babies still cooking inside.

Ken came rushing over to the hospital from work when I texted him earlier in the morning that they were taking me into labor & delivery. He had the idea that really meant "labor" and "delivery" even though I told him it didn't.

I laugh now remembering how he flew into the room. I'm not sure what he was expecting. All he found was me in the bed, with a johnny on and strapped every which way while flicking through daytime TV.

Now that I'm down to the wire, I'm supposed to take it easier.

I know that hubby was definitely relieved that babies didn't arrive yesterday.

He was thinking "That nursery is NOT finished!"
I was thinking "I never even packed my bag, washed those baby clothes, picked a pediatrician or figured out that breast pump!"

Obviously, us ladies multi-task even in our thoughts.

It's a Boy! Oh ... and It's a Girl!

2011-10-07T16:13:00.000-04:00

For those of you that were able to make it to my shower amid your busy fall schedules and the funky New England weather, Ken and I are immensely appreciative!

For everyone else, we're so sorry you missed it but hope we are able to catch up in the New Year!

The shower was held at the Stonehenge Inn & Spa in Tyngsborough, MA. It was a wonderful spot although the muggy weather left little to be desired that day. It was a fall festival theme so guests were greeted with cotton candy upon arrival, cider donuts during lunch and kettle corn and caramel apples to take home.

We were happy to see so many friendly faces before these new ones arrive!
Food and company were excellent!

Is there anything more blissful than that?

Special thanks to our friends Allison and Angie for coordinating this whole event into a stressless time for this one somewhat stressed lady!

Below are some pictures for you to enjoy :)

(Disclosure: Ignore the fact that I take up the ENTIRE space in the pictures I happen to be in!

And why did I think wearing stripes was a good idea? You've been forewarned!)

The shower was a great success and I hope everyone who attended had a great time. I know we all enjoyed it immensely!

We also disclosed the names of our little ones.

Matthew Douglas & Aria Yong.

Both middle names are our respective fathers' first names and the first names are ones we chose that were special to us.

Today, I am 32 weeks along and counting down the days until they arrive. Doctor still says the week before Thanksgiving is the magic day but we'll see what happens!

I've invested in a maternity support belt (strong support). It is the anti-sexy belt and there is no hiding it but it's well worth the money and the purpose it serves. This stomach is starting to run away from my body and that isn't the most pleasant feeling I've experienced.

Otherwise, I don't think I'm faring too badly. I'm moving a lot slower these days especially if I have to walk a long distance.

I've had my first experience riding an Amigo a few weeks ago at our local Lowes Home Improvement at my hubby's insistence and my subsequent embarrassment. BTW, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about ... its basically one of those ride on carts for the elderly and handicapped. I'm not sure I fall into either category but the thing beeps when you put it in reverse and it doesn't go more than 5 mph ... maybe even less than that.

Life brings one new experience with the next ... I embrace them all.
Even ones like that.

Home Bound

2011-09-29T11:20:00.000-04:00

Just to start off, I'd like to give you an update on my coveted snow cone machine ... that never materialized. The one that I wanted to get wasn't in stock at the store ... so now I'm debating whether to order the darn thing online or just scrap the entire idea.

The weather here is cooler now (well, today) so the urgency and desire for it has dwindled considerably. We're in NH so by now, we usually see the leaves changing to mark the Fall season. A handful have but because the weather has been so unpredictable, the plants seem to be confused what time of year it is. I have spring flowers blooming!

In other news, my doctor told me at my most recent office visit this past week that she would like me to stay home until the babies are born. My work schedule had already been decreased to three days in the office and two days at home. So until further notice, I'll be working from home full time now (except the few days I'll trek into the office to train my temp). Unfortunately, the temp hasn't even been hired yet so let's just hope nothing happens until I'm able to put in a few solid days of training.

The rest of the visit just talked about any other symptoms I may be experiencing. I think it's a lot of the usual stuff that happens at this point in the journey. Ligament pain, soreness, fatigue, pressure and the overall feelings of "Enough already!"

Honestly, most of it isn't horrible except trying to extricate myself from the pillow fortress I must recreate in bed each night to get to the bathroom in the dead of night ... only to find that by the time I get there and sit down, someone has moved.

Pee? What pee?

I still have several weeks to go since I am not scheduled for my C-Section until the week before Thanksgiving. I'm usually the one who cooks Thanksgiving dinner every year - bird to all the fixins - but I won't be doing any cooking at all this year. I've been told by my husband that he will be ordering turkey dinner in (which I'm wary of) but I'll leave those details to him for once. I'll be busy juggling babies' feeding schedules!

Nothing new in the nursery yet.

Baby shower is this Sunday though!

Ken has been working hard to keep as many details a secret as possible.

Pictures and details to follow ...

Nostalgia

2011-09-23T12:58:00.003-04:00

I don't know about you but as the arrival of these little ones get closer and closer, there are thoughts of my own childhood and a nostalgic resurgence of experiences that I yearn to relive.

Today, it is the sno cone machine.
I never had one but I used to have friends who used to own the Snoopy Sno Cone Machine.

At the time, I thought it was probably the most ingenious invention I'd ever seen. And gourmet?
We were fearless in our recipes!

So, I took a mental break from work to find a sno cone machine for two reasons.

The home office I'm working in is HOT and I could really use a sno cone!
Who doesn't love a sno cone anytime?

I was successful in finding an updated version of a snow cone maker at Bed, Bath and Beyond that received great reviews.

The best parts? It is only $29.99, seems easy to use and I have a 20% off coupon (which I think equals out to be about $20 - give or take).

I wasted no time in sending said link and request to husband dearest in hopes that he would be open to picking this up on his way home from work today.

Updates and pictures to follow on the machine and said sno cones.

I didn't know THAT?!

2011-09-21T10:33:00.000-04:00

I am reading this article about Month 1 after baby is born. Much of it is the usual thing that most of us already know. Yes, the body is covered in lanugo that disappears shortly after. Babies are covered with vernix at birth and their heads are cone shaped (if delivered naturally) and have soft spots in the head. Some newborns experience jaundice and is common in about 25% of healthy infants.

Yada, yada, yada.

Then, I read this little part about a few peculiarities:

"Some boys might have enlarged breasts, a result of Mom's hormones having crossed the placenta."

Hmmm. Ok.

"The condition will disappear in a few days."

Whew!

"You may also wonder why your son is having erections."

Huh? and Wha?!

"These are common and frequent, often caused by pressure from feces or a full bladder."

Oh. Ehhh.

I'm not sure if anyone else has read those tidbits before but that was NEWS to me that I thought interesting to share.

Basically, it just reaffirms what I've already known for years.

Boys are just made differently than girls.

Ho Hum

2011-09-20T18:17:00.001-04:00

Pretty quiet these days at home (well, as much as it can be) so I don't have too much exciting news to report.

The nursery is still bare bones ...

No wiring. No insulation. No walls.

No ceiling.

And not even a floor.

But we do already have the paint picked out, the ceiling light fixture purchased and the hardwood floor ready to put down. That is, after the wiring is all done, the insulation is put in, the ceiling put up and the drywall done.

How many more weeks do we have left?
Oh, right. A little less than 9 weeks to go.

Sometimes the time seems to inch along except when we're talking about what else still needs to be done.

Have I mentioned something about a crib quilt?
Yeah. I mentioned it but have not done ONE thing to start this project. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll just have a bag of fabric instead of a finished blanket.

Babies are still busy but in spurts and not as frequently throughout the entire day except at night while I'm trying to sleep.

Today, I am 29 weeks and 4 days. The Bump says babies are the size of a squash!

Here is their snippet of what they are up to these days:

Baby’s energy is surging, thanks to the formation of white fat deposits beneath the skin. (Have those kicks and jabs to the ribs tipped you off yet?) Baby is also settling into sleep and waking cycles, though -- as you’ve also probably noticed -- they don’t necessarily coincide with your own. Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments.

Baby Zone says:

Your baby is filling out this week. She's adding fat to insulate her body for the day she leaves her cozy home. You can probably distinguish between feet and hands, head and bottom when your baby-to-be moves inside you. She takes practice breaths but won't breathe air until delivery. Your baby's growth has begun to slow down now, but she will still gain approximately four pounds between now and birth. If she were born now, she would be able to breathe, but might tire easily and need assistance. Her little eyes are sensitive to light.

If babies both gain an additional four pounds from now until delivery, that will mean that our boy will weigh about seven pounds and our girl will be about six pounds! I don't know about you but the idea of carrying around thirteen pounds worth of baby alone (nevermind the uterus, placentas and amniotic fluid!) is a bit overwhelming and does make me anxious.

I'm experiencing a lot more ligament pain these days as well as restless nights in bed (caused either by back and/or ligament pain, bathroom runs or in utero movement). All this makes for tired and grouchy mornings.

I don't have another ultrasound visit until October 4th but I don't expect many, if any, pictures from it. They are both getting so big now that it is harder to get clear pictures where there aren't just a mess of limbs or body parts in one frame. If I happen to get any, I will be sure to post them.

Oh! I did find out that my baby shower is scheduled for October 2nd. Hubby let it slip over conversation at the dinner table one day with my parents. I'm looking forward to it immensely and just hope that these babies don't decide to appear before then!

More updates to follow before the shower and ultrasound visit if I make any progress on my quilts or something exciting happens!

Daycares Revisited

2011-09-15T11:42:00.003-04:00

Among the many things that must be done to prepare for our new arrivals, one of them is the unfortunate duty of choosing a suitable daycare. The depressing reality is that we just aren't equipped to survive with one income so as much as I'd love to be home with these little ones for at least their first year, it doesn't look like a feasible arrangement at the moment.

I've already shared some of my observations of the places we've visited so far. Not all of them were good but it's been a hit or miss lately.

We visited another daycare closer to home (not work) on Tuesday night.

I think it could have been LOVE at first sight!

Front door LOCKED?   CHECK!
Staff near and by the front door? CHECK!
Each wing of the facility housed different age groups and away from the front door.   CHECK!
Infant rooms shoe free?   CHECK!
Organized and CLEAN?   CHECK!
Certified and experienced staff?   CHECK!
Strong and established learning?   BONUS!
Price is right?   Well it's not free but its very reasonable :)

The only thing left to decide is if this is "The One" or not. There are a lot of pros to this facility unto itself. The downside is that it isn't very close to either of our jobs but since those may not be forever, we don't want to base our decision solely on that factor. The most important things to weigh in on our decision is not only cost effectiveness but also what our overall impression. It's also tough to say how much it will cost us since I won't know what my work schedule will be like quite yet when I do go back.

Loose ends bother me but it is more than likely we'll be going with this place regardless of the unknowns. Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut!

First Peek!

2011-09-09T16:47:00.001-04:00

The long awaited time has come!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!

After two ultrasound appointments, I have several good profile pictures of both babies to show you. They weren't easy to get which is why I had an ultrasound appointment yesterday and today but I'm excited to give you all a sneak peek of their little faces!

Special thanks to my very wonderful and patient ultrasound technician who labored through these appointments with uncooperative babies!

Introducing our chubby cheeked boy!

Hand up to nose and mouth.

Ken's nose?

I believe that's a hand and a foot up there ...

What seems to be him sucking his hand.

And here is his more petite but not necessarily gentler sister! Her pictures were infinitely more difficult to take (shy lil thing) so I appreciate the few shots she allowed us to get!

Maybe my nose?

Her brother's arm jabbing her in the forehead here.

My favorite picture!

There were quite a few pictures but I tried to post the best ones here. Others were somewhat unclear or just full of limbs covering faces :)

Both are busy at different times of day and evident from the back-to-back ultrasounds, I discovered they also change positions quite a bit! Hopefully, that doesn't mean their feeding and sleeping schedules will vary too much!

Hope you enjoyed these pictures as much as we did!

Twenty-eight weeks today (or seven months) and counting!

Doctor is hoping for another ten more weeks ... tick-tock, tick-tock goes the clock.

BTW - I have yet to start my crib quilt!

Cauliflowers

2011-09-07T12:21:00.001-04:00

My doctor ordered a three hour fasting glucose test to see if I had gestational diabetes. Now, she allowed me to come in at my leisure but recommended first thing in the morning since it is a fasting test. Given that I'm always hungry, it would not be a pleasant experience in the best of circumstances.

I already had an appointment scheduled yesterday afternoon so I thought I would get the test out of the way the same day but it may not have been a wise choice given it was the first day after Labor Day weekend when every man, woman and child were on their way back to reality from where ever the last days of summer took them.

Needless to say, I made it to the hospital around 8:30a and started my test at 9:00a. If anyone has ever taken this before, you'll know that you need to have your blood drawn four times throughout the test. Your first draw at the beginning before "the drink" and an additional one each hour after "the drink".

"The drink" sort of tastes like flat orange soda with extra scoops of sugar. I was forewarned that people do become nauseous. I heard the warning but didn't pay it any mind until *GULP!* I started feeling clammy and thought I was going to drown in my own saliva!

Babies and I got through the ordeal intact. Afterwards, there was nothing to do but to RUN, NOT WALK to the nearest food source available.

Hospital cafeteria.

Not ideal because I secretly do think they lace all their food with laxatives but I didn't care. I ordered a grilled cheese with tomato. It could barely pass for diner food but nothing ever tasted so divine!

Doctor's appointment that afternoon was a little more entertaining than my morning. Nothing new to report during the office visit other than my climbing weight and sore muscles.

Ultrasound didn't really produce any good pictures (hence, none are available to post here) but I found out that they've moved since the last time we saw them. They are both laying vertex with heads touching (so think the meeting of the minds around my belly button).

When I looked at the size comparison online, it said that a baby this age should be about 2 pounds and the size of a cauliflower. I assumed that was more for someone who carrying only one baby and probably didn't apply to multiples.

Turns out that my boy is a massive 2 pounds 11 ounces (54th percentile) and my girl is 2 pounds 4 ounces (40th percentile). So not only are they cauliflowers, they are VERY plump cauliflowers! I'm wondering if they will even fit into any of the preemie clothes we already have for them when they are born!

BUT I'm not complaining. Above average is good and I'm glad that both are healthly. Constant movements break up each day. Now I know why! Both are bruisers!

Don't be disappointed with no updated pictures from yesterday. I have my 3D/4D ultrasound appointment scheduled tomorrow afternoon so I will be posting those pictures as soon as I upload them!

Day [S]Cares

2011-08-30T11:45:00.002-04:00

For many years prior to this one, I have heard the woes and frustrations expressed by my friends, family and random parents lamenting over the search for "The One". And now, I can fully empathize and understand why.

Whatever you want to call these places - daycare, childcare, school, child center - the differences from one place to another, regardless of location and price, drastically differ.

Below, I impart what I've seen so far from some of my dayscares to dreamcares (without naming names, of course):

When we're talking about daycares, franchises aren't all bad. You see consistency and stricter guidelines implemented at each that provide some reliability and assurance of quality.
More money does NOT necessarily mean more quality or peace of mind and vice versa.
Infant rooms MUST have clean floors. Clean means no outside shoes allowed, no wet substances and no food.
Location, location, location. I will be bringing two infants to daycare. I don't want them to be in the first room from the front door (that is also coincidentally NOT locked or attended by anyone).
Show Me Organization! It goes without saying that you probably don't want your child sleeping on someone else's linens but how about eating your hard earned breastmilk? I don't want to see mismatched and disorganized food bins and fridges as much as I don't like to see strewn bags of belongings all over hallway floors.
ABCs. I'm not talking about learning them. I'm talking about the credentials backing up the people I will be paying to watch and care for my new additions. I want to know that everyone is educated in childcare, certified in CPR and experienced in working with infants.
Ratios. You never thought you'd have to know this math stuff after school was over, right? Well, brush up on your ratio know how. I'm not entirely comfortable if they tell me that they are always maxed out with the number of infants that the state allows and short on the number of caregivers consistently available at any given time.
Open Door Policy. If I'm nearby, I'd like the option to stop by anytime to check in on my babies. I can understand if they'd like notice of a visit though. All in all, most places where you would be bringing infants have this policy in place.
Schedules & Feedings. What time is drop off? What time is pick up? What is the feeding schedule? Now, to each facility's credit so far, each had fairly flexible pick-up/drop-off availability and tried to match your feeding schedule as closely as possible.

We have a few more tours to take and haven't committed to any one place in particular quite yet. When what you are most concerned with is cleanliness, professionalism and organization, it doesn't seem like a lot to ask for in a daycare but as I've already seen, those terms are highly subjective and open to interpretation.

I'm not rushing or worried about not finding "The One" (yet) but we'd like to be prepared and check this off of our list of things to do.

"A goal without a plan is just a wish." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Nursery

2011-08-28T19:00:00.002-04:00

In the impending arrival of hurricane Irene here in NH, Ken busied himself in the nursery while I tried to be equally as productive on my laptop.

What happened?

Hubby finished ripping out all the walls of the nursery and bagged it all = Productive.
Hurricane Irene never showed = Annoying.

And me? I tried but became sidetracked with taking a shower, giving myself a manicure (see photo) and browsing the internet for bathroom vanities = Not So Productive.

Just for the record, even after perusing over a hundred of them, I did NOT find a vanity to love. Ditto with the medicine cabinet. (We're also renovating our master bathroom.)

Our power never went out (thankfully) because it would have derailed the destruction of all the brain cells I've wasted watching DIY and HGTV shows today.

Pictures to follow of the gutted nursery room. One day soon, it will transform into a lovely nursery that will hopefully keep content babies.

Today, I am 26 weeks and 2 days. Doctor is hoping babies will be happy where they are until 38 weeks. That's about 12 more weeks to go ... or another 3 months. Those are a lot of numbers but the smallest one seems the most daunting.

My next ultrasounds are scheduled in the week after Labor Day. We are especially excited to get to the 3D/4D ultrasound appointment with a wonderful ultrasound technician who we both really like and is much better than the ones at the hospital. I'll be sure to post those pictures as soon as they become available.

By the way, how did anyone manage to navigate bottles and breastfeeding paraphernalia?

Exasperated with looking, I just picked a few of each thing and vowed to panic after the babies are born.

One day next week (maybe even tomorrow?), I am determined to START my crib quilt. I've had the fabrics ready to go for over a month now and my sewing space is set up. Should I make progress, I'll post pictures to share.

Many more of everything to follow ... another day.

Preparation

2011-08-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, Ken and I finalized the registry. Now I'm actually glad that I did most of it online because going to the actual store armed with a scanner with floor to ceiling baby items (you know how small they are, right?) was so overwhelming! I only wanted to touch and feel a few things such as the stroller, playmats and swings. We weren't there too long (much to Ken's delight).

The nursery is just being started now. We seem short on time but I think we will be able to finish it within a month. It could also be wishful thinking on my part. All the walls and ceiling must come down. The windows also need replacing and the hardwood floors installed. Ken is doing most of the work himself so the task is time consuming for someone who lacks such a commodity.

Babies, however, are oblivious to all of this business of preparation. They are happily kicking and punching (hopefully not each other) within. I can feel their movements all the time now and even though I don't really know which one is which, it's comforting to know that they are active.

Have we already talked eggplants last time? In the sixth month, that's about the size of these little guys. I can't imagine how much room they now have in there. In an attempt to gain more in utero real estate, they are stretching my stomach and I have the stretch marks to prove it (much to my dismay).

By the way, as an aside, stretch marks are not totally preventable and lasering them afterwards is the only way I've found (other than fading over time) that will totally remove them.

Ladies who've been there, there now or plan to be there:

Stretch marks are part of the pregnancy journey and should you be part of the majority that get them, it isn't as traumatic as you might think it will be. Now, I won't be modeling my bare buddha belly for a portrait either but I'm comfortable in my skin ... even if its a little dinged up.

Measuring Up

2011-08-17T11:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had my weekly doctor's appointment to check on the babies' development and progress. Nothing out of the ordinary (which for this lady is great news). Blood pressure is excellent. Both heartbeats are beating in normal ranges. There is much more movement down below especially after mealtimes and when I want to sleep. I suppose this will start breaking me in to the sleep deprivation that is to come!

They decided to measure me (just for laughs) and no surprise that I am currently measuring the same as a woman with one baby at THIRTY-FIVE weeks!

That is a THREE and a FIVE (35), folks!

It explains the ligament pain, back aches and puffy feet. I also feel about 35 weeks along but still have a ways to go before I hit that magic number.

For now, I'm appreciating each day, every movement and even every pain as a part of the collective joys of pregnancy. No one can quite explain the experience so I'm blessed to be a part of this "club".

And just so you know, even though I've complained that nine months (about 270 days) seems like a really long time to make a baby, it takes an elephant SIX HUNDRED PLUS days!! That comes out to something like twenty months or almost two years.

Comparatively, I'm quite happy with nine months.

Babymoon

2011-08-13T14:07:00.005-04:00

If you're unfamiliar with this term, don't feel bad. I only came across it myself a few years ago while browsing through pregnancy sites.

The term is intended to loosely describe a final hurrah for couples before and/or during pregnancy prior to the birth of the baby to enjoy a final trip together sans baby ... or in our case, kids. The overall general notion of this is that once they enter the picture, its a totally different kind of vacation. Then again, so is this "babymoon".

Most vacations I think of involve tropical locale, beaches, nightlife and most certainly more than a few libations to ease any jetlag and calm the senses.

Babymoon vacations can still involve a tropical locale and beaches but not so much a nightlife and forget the libations. My nightlife consists of a warm shower before putting on PJs and sipping on milk or water while enjoying a late night and much needed snack.

So, there you have it folks. Nothing terribly exotic or exciting about a babymoon because the most exciting part takes about nine months to produce and sometimes the person producing needs a break from all this 24/7 work she goes through.

Ken and I just booked our last getaway (aka Our Babymoon) to The Essex in Vermont. If you've never been and looking, we both highly recommend it! http://www.vtculinaryresort.com/
We're considering it both our babymoon and anniversary rolled into one. Got to multipurpose with double the not so tiny expenses for our new arrivals!

We were there just this past February over Valentine's Day and LOVED it!
It will be something new and old to enjoy the drive during fall season (my favorite season).

We're taking my parents along this time around. Apparently, there is a spectacular golf course up there that everyone except me will be playing on but I certainly won't feel left out. I'll be at the resort spa for several hours. We should all make it back to our rooms around the same time with no harm, no foul...just in time for our dinner reservations.

Yes, at this stage of babymaking, all I'm planning and thinking about is my next meal or snack.

Sad, but true.

Announcement!

2011-08-11T21:51:00.015-04:00

Well, I took QUITE the break from blogging and now I'm back! Better late than never ... as every self-proclaimed procrastinator alleges!

Be prepared but after all of our struggles, tears and heartbreak, Ken and I are pleased to announce that we are expecting ...

TWINS!

Neither of us ever expected or thought we'd ever experience something like this and at first, it was overwhelming and we were in shock. After a few months of getting used to the idea, we're happier than we've ever been! Trust me - it hasn't been easy navigating which things we need two of before welcoming not one but two babies at once!

God is Good. We're blessed. Truly.

We thank everyone who has supported us, grieved and celebrated with us and shown us unconditional love.

This will be an unusually long post as I'm very behind on my good intentions of updating the same. Below are the many, many ultrasound pictures from 6 weeks to about 23 weeks. Most of the size references and what baby is up to is taken from The Bump.

After this post, I'll be more vigilant in posting as things progress and when I have days where I need to vent :)

5 weeks 6 days (April 7, 2011)

Here is the first ultrasound where I discovered we were expecting twins! Two black circles are two sacs with two little ones growing!

At this stage, they are about the size of a sweet pea but already sprouting eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. The little hands and feet are still webbed but may wiggle by week's end. Hearts are beating and blood is starting to circulate.

6 weeks 6 days (April 14, 2011)

Little blueberries now and generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging and a permanent set of kidneys is now in place.

7 weeks 0 days (April 15, 2011)

This picture is a little tougher to see here. You'll notice it's only a day later than the last photo. This is from my first appointment at the high risk OB I am now seeing for this pregnancy.

Before we know it, we won't be able to capture both of them in one photo!

8 weeks 0 days (April 22, 2011)

In their 8th week, these little ones are about the size of raspberries. This photo is a little tough to see but if you can barely make out their little bodies in this one.

I can't feel them yet but they are moving those little arms, legs and toes like crazy!

Baby A - 8 weeks 6 days (April 28, 2011)

This photo might be a little clearer than the last one (not much though).

Meet Baby A.

Honestly, I don't know if the ultrasound technicians tag the same baby every time because at this stage where they are so small, they are able to move around quite a bit.

Baby B - 8 weeks 6 days (April 28, 2011)

Meet our other little olive. Introducing Baby B!

This one is facing outward towards the camera to pose for a picture.

The doppler can now pick up the heartbeats.

They are actually beginning to look like babies now instead of little dots on the screen!

11 weeks 4 days (May 17, 2011)

Bones and cartilage have formed and vital organs are beginning to function now. Arm joints are now working (better to hit each other with!).

At 10 weeks, they are like little raisins.

At 11 weeks, both are about the size of two limes.

Babies now have a 1:1 ratio between their bodies and heads.

Baby A - 11 weeks 4 days (May 17, 2011)

Baby A here is facedown in the photo. Heartbeat is 180bpm.

The head is on the right side (big ol' melon like mama's).

Their skin is so transparent right now that blood vessels show right through but fingers and toes are no longer webbed. Hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming.

Baby B - 11 weeks 4 days (May 17, 2011)

Baby B is laying with his/her back to us in this photo. You can see the head on the left. Heartbeat is 170bpm.

Inevitably, there is always one that is more active than the other at any given time and at least one that doesn't cooperate when we want to get a picture!

In this picture, you can see the little fist (that was pumping vigorously at the time). This baby is resting below the other baby ... and punching upwards. The sibling rivalry has already begun!

Baby A - 12 weeks 3 days (May 23, 2011)

Here is Baby A in 3D. You can see the little arm up to the face ... Oh the drama already!

Babies are little plums now!

Baby B was not cooperating this week so there are no pictures to post.

Baby A - 15 weeks 4 days (June 14, 2011)

Baby A is showing us a side profile here.

Amazing to see eyes, nose and lips already!!

Babies can also suck their thumbs, wiggle their toes, make urine (not so cute) and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop.

Baby A - 15 weeks 4 days (June 14, 2011)

Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over their bodies for warmth. They are the size of naval oranges now!

Baby B has not made an appearance yet again.

Big yawn down there!! :)

Baby A - 15 weeks 4 days (June 14, 2011)

Baby B - 17 weeks 4 days

Finally, here is a side profile of Baby B! It was tough to get this one to take any pictures because he/she was hiding behind the other one.

17 weeks 4 days (June 28, 2011)

You may be wondering what exactly you're looking at in this photo but if you haven't already figured it out, we can clearly see that one of these wigglers is a boy!

He was not shy about showing this factoid off all over the ultrasound and I have several such photos of him making sure we knew it. I have saved you the obnoxious trait he has already picked up from his *AHEM* father.

You can make out two legs and the lighter white lines are his bones.

17 weeks 4 days (June 28, 2011)

This one is a little harder to see but it took quite a while to even get this picture!

Here is the other little one and the one thing missing here is what her brother has been showing off.

Yes, it's a girl!

She's been very shy hiding behind her brother for some time. Both babies are about the size of onions. Fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints.

Ken and I had a bet going. He said the babies were both boys and I said that there were one of each. If I won, I would get 30 minutes worth of foot rubs that do not have to all be used at the same time or date ... I have yet to reap even one minute of this reward.

Baby A - 22 weeks 4 days (August 2, 2011)

Baby B - 22 weeks 4 days (August 2, 2011

Here are photos from my last ultrasound. They aren't terribly exciting and if you think you can't see anything that even remotely looks like a baby, you'd be right. These pictures show the hearts and below them the heartbeat monitor. Baby A's heart was beating at 155bpm and Baby B's at 145bpm.

Babies now pass the hours yawning, hiccuping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking and swallowing.

Their digestive systems are busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells) which will fill the first diaper after birth. Those taste buds actually work and studies show that after birth, babies are most interested in tastes they've already experienced through amniotic fluid.

They are about the size of papayas and they are now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Those little faces are fully formed and babies are starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day.

Today, I am 23 weeks and 6 days (24 weeks tomorrow!). These guys are the size of eggplants now!

Taken from The Bump.

We've been playing around with the prenatal kit we bought to see if we can hear the heartbeat. We've also been putting the little mics on my belly and playing music. Ken has also been lecturing them to no end using the included mic you can talk into. No surprise that there was no movement at all when that was happening (they were both probably lulled to sleep!).

Nowadays, they move around ALL the time and especially after meals. It's still strange and I always wonder who's moving and if they are already hitting each other in there :)

We've already purchased many of the bigger nursery items such as the cribs, changing table, strollers and recliner.

I'm excited to report that baby shower planning is also well underway by two fantastic ladies who I can't thank enough already! It's been such a long road and a long few years that I'm looking forward to this one event very much.

I've experienced no nausea in this pregnancy and have been able to enjoy most of it. My belly is extending beyond my feet at this point so putting on pants are getting difficult and luckily my shoes don't have laces! Ken has been busy getting us settled and renovating our new home in NH. We've been busy but happy these last several months.

Is it snacktime again? Tummy is grumbling :)

Happy New Year!!!

2011-01-04T11:06:00.000-05:00

How did everyone ring in 2011?

I'm happy to report that Ken and I made it to watch the ball drop in Times Square ... on TV.

I can't imagine having done it in person for a few reasons.
One, it would have been entirely too much of a hassle.
Second, I spent much of New Year's Eve in a medicated haze and fresh from surgery.

So, my posts here are pretty sporadic at the moment and they will continue to be until we have more substantive news to share.

2011 is the Year of the Rabbit - a time to recover from the ravaging year of the Tiger.
Recovery is a good.

Stay posted and Happy New Year!

Perspective

2010-12-04T10:19:00.002-05:00

Anyone who has a young child has probably seen the Pixar film Ratatouille at least once. (If you haven't, it's worth checking out.)

In the movie, there is this one scene where Anton Ego, any restaurateur's feared food critic, is seated in Gusteau's after the main (human) character learns he is the rightful heir to it and says,

"You know what I'm craving?

A little perspective.

That's it.

I'd like some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective.

Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?"

Obviously, I'm taking this quote entirely out of context. I've been thinking back to this soundbite over and over as we come up and over the holidays this year. It's always rife with family drama and headaches. What holiday is complete without them? There will always be one family member unhappy with another for some reason or another. Whether you take sides, play Nordic or ignore it altogether is all part of the grand design of these drawn out, often painful and uncomfortable situations.

Here's what I think (just me - I don't speak for my better half):

WHAT is driven by WHY.

WHO is driven by WHAT.

WHERE is driven by WHO.

HOW is driven by WHY.

WHEN is driven WHO.

WHY will always be a mystery.

That's two WHOs that don't give two hoots about
WHY WHAT is WHERE WHEN or HOW.

I'm not sure if what I just said makes any sense to you but it did at the time I was writing it. You get my bigger point here, right?

Life is not just black and white.

Let it go.

Crave perspective.

Immortality

2010-11-19T08:50:00.000-05:00

Most people don't realize their own imprint on this world. Movies have been made, books have been written and philosophers have lamented the same to expose this truth. Yet it is a revelation to that person who realizes what importance they contribute to another person, a place or just themselves. It cannot be taught or learned, it simply must be believed.

For someone to leave such an impact usually requires time. For those someones who have not been able to experience that luxury, what impact do they impart? Is there any?

I say "Yes" - emphatically.

Nari and Matthew have made such permanent impressions on our hearts. The kind of impression that leaves an aching bruise slow to heal. It has changed our lives forever.

This ache and the burning desire to let our angels know that they have left their mark in this world resulted in permament marks of our own:

Ken's fresh ink

Fresh ink ... also most probably my first (and last)

I have never felt more compelled to show what I feel inside on the outside.

And now?
It shows.

Baby Steps

2010-11-11T20:36:00.000-05:00

Time does not necessarily make things better but it does make things easier.

How?

It is easier to tell my children's stories and talk about their lives. I find it to be a healing process to do so.

That's just me.

It is easier to go about the business of living.
Waking up, making meals, going to work and making idle chit-chat.

Eventually, I know sleep will come easier.
Slowly, energy and physical activity is becoming easier.

What's in store for our future?

We don't know but you know that saying "Where there's a will, there's a way"?

For us, it is "Where there is a way, we have the will".

Humble Gratitude

2010-11-04T14:13:00.002-04:00

"Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."

Ezra 10:4

Although many of you have credited us with having the courage and optimism that has allowed us to maintain our hope, we cannot imagine having done all this alone. Through the outpouring of your tears, messages, cards, visits, phone calls, emails, condolences and thoughtful gifts and gestures, we are truly blessed. We just didn't expect all of this and are not used to all the attention.

Most times, it seems grossly inadequate to simply tell someone thank you. We want so much for our family and friends to understand that the "thank you" we're desperately trying to convey holds so much more than the nonchalant thank you's we exchange everyday to the waiter for bringing your food or the cashier giving you your receipt.

Here is our homage of thanks in the form of pictures and words taken from the cards and emails we've received. They are in no particular order, sender's names are not mentioned and these are certainly not all-inclusive.

When your heart needs reprieve and your strength is running low, I will share your tears.

In the hardest things we do ... love sees us through.

If you need some distraction, I would be happy to come see you and play the clown.

A wish for hope and for comfort ...

In these days and nights of sorrow, know that you are not alone but are in the prayers, the thoughts, and hearts of those who care.

I hope you will be able to take comfort in whatever vision you each may have of heaven.

... pray that you have the strength to get through this. You and Ken are in my thoughts and prayers.

We are both here for you when you are ready.

If you need anything, you know where to ask.

I send only my greatest thoughts and warmest love to you at this time.

Our hearts ache with yours; we pray for comfort and healing during this difficult time.

If you ever need an escape or a shoulder to cry on, please always feel free to give me a call.

Let me know and I'll be there whenever.

I just want to let you know that I will do ANYTHING that you want ... I will be there for a shoulder to cry on, go out, make you dinner, ANYTHING!!! I love you!

To suffer a loss like yours is to know a loss unlike any other ... it means letting go of a beautiful part of your life.

Ken and I both want everyone to know that we're still optimistic about the future and are taking steps to realize our dreams. Thank you all for the many things - especially the intangible things - that you've given us. We are enveloped by the warmth of your prayers and wishes.

Pearls

2010-11-02T15:02:00.002-04:00

We've been through a lot and I can't speak for my husband but I can tell you what I've learned during our fertility struggles and tragic experiences.

I've learned that ...
   ... grief is like a common cold. There is no cure, it lingers and only time will heal it.
   ... it is important to pay attention to yourself.
   ... you must let yourself recover both physically AND emotionally.
   ... I love this quote: "Learn from Yesterday, Live for Today and Hope for Tomorrow".
   ... there is no right way to mourn a loss, there is only your own way.
   ... we must take care of ourselves before others.
   ... it is ok to lean on your spouse, your family and your friends for support and love.
   ... we don't dwell on the past but dream about our future.
   ... asking for privacy or declining a question is not rude, it is a right.
   ... you shouldn't feel guilty about having a happy moment, laughing again or enjoying your life.

Unless you're someone who has been through a similar experience, it's difficult to come close to understanding how the mind races and the heart aches for someone who said hello and goodbye in one breath. We don't pretend to know everything. We certainly didn't want to be experts on grief and loss.

Simply put, the construct of our mourning has not and does not consume our lives, it brings more meaning to it.

Ken and I truly appreciate all of our family and friends who have kept us in their thoughts and prayers these past few weeks.

Reality Bites

2010-10-25T11:13:00.001-04:00

Many people want to know ...

How are you doing?

The answer is:

We're doing.

We're collecting bits and pieces of our lives back up from where we left them. Grief is a strange animal that lurks in deep dark shadows that attacks suddenly and sometimes without obvious provocation. That is the nature of the beast. We know that.

Any loss is difficult but repeating history within a span of a year is a shattering reality.

But, we have not given up.

Hope can still spring from this despair.

That's what we're breathing here.

O
P

No Title

2010-10-19T08:56:00.002-04:00

Can lightening strike someone twice?

Yes, it can.

As I lay there with my dying son in one arm and my broken husband in the other, below the white sheet between them laid evidence of the devastation that brought us together.

If you'd like the back story to prevent asking us painful questions like "What happened?", here are the basics.

I was admitted into the hospital on Tuesday night, October 12th and put on strict bedrest. I was only 22 weeks and 2 days ... only a few weeks shy of possible infant viability. Despite best efforts, contractions and labor on Sunday morning (October 17th) brought our little boy into this world at only 23 weeks old.

If you've never had to bury your child, there are no words to convey the feelings.

If you've had to bury more than one, than you'd know that pure obliteration of human feeling exists.

Matthew Douglas Hamilton was born on October 17, 2010 with his mother's nose and his father's broad shoulders. He will always be lovingly remembered by his mother and father. Matthew joins his sister Nari and they watch over us always.

Baby Update

2010-10-05T20:18:00.000-04:00

I'm still sick. All the tea, broth and meds haven't helped a lick. It is bringing me close to my wit's end here. All of my symptoms are probably also exacerbated by the fact that I have NOT been able to sleep a wink since the MINUTE I lay down in a horizontal position, the fits commence. The only other ones here to share my misery are the dog and cat.

Anyway, forget my misery for a minute and let's talk baby!

Baby is now 21 weeks and 2 days (today).

Here is some fast facts below (taken from The Bump and Baby Zone):

Baby is now the size of a banana! Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion, and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper at birth. And, if baby is a girl, her womb is now stocked up with her lifetime supply of six million eggs (the number will drop to around one million by birth).

The little one will begin to fill out over the next few weeks. Fat layers are forming throughout baby's body. These layers will eventually keep baby warm and insulated once outside the womb. Soft hair, called lanugo, covers baby's body, too. Baby's eyelids are still closed, making baby appear asleep but frequent wiggles lets me know that baby is awake. I may also feel baby hiccuping. Those jerky motions are a result of little lungs practicing the important task of breathing.

Sickness during a Delicate Time

2010-10-04T08:47:00.000-04:00

No one enjoys being sick when they have absolutely nothing else going on around them. Add something ... oh, let's just say pregnancy ... into the fray and it's a horse of a completely different color altogether!

One the major things is having to scrutinize any medications before taking them to ensure proven safety to this little one inside. It's a completely horrible experience to be this miserable and hope that that misery isn't seeping through to the baby. Even now, I just can't bear thinking that the baby might be suffering.

I've been assured that the baby probably has no idea I'm even sick other than noticing the increased amount of fluids and all the jiggling around due to the sneezing and coughing.

I haven't been able to sleep in several days since the minute I lay down, a coughing fit begins. This is in addition to the broken sleep I'd been getting due to all the bathroom trips.

Now, I know this entire post is a huge vent session but this is my reality lately and I'm bringing it to you.

Yesterday, to add to an already dreadful time, I threw my back out. Not picking up anything heavy or doing some crazy exercise. Simply getting one roll of toilet paper onto the holder *POP* goes the back!

Try putting on socks, pants or even going to the bathroom this way. It's just no way to live, folks!

So to recap:

hacking cough
no sleep
no effective meds
no bending over
painful bathroom visits (sitting, wiping and standing ... not the actual going or doing)

I've simply had better days and hope that goes away this week. I have multiple doctor's appointments today ranging from the therapist to the family practioner to fuel that hope.

Wish me luck!

Registries & My Baby Shower

2010-09-29T22:00:00.002-04:00

I have FINALLY finished registering for all of my items but it doesn't mean I won't continuously be going back to add, delete, re-add, re-delete and question all of my choices.

Isn't that normal?

I love hearing suggestions on what people have tried and what others cannot live without. In my opinion, a personal review is the best marketing tool.

Oh!

* kick *

* squirm *

Baby must know I'm talking about baby things. I can tell that this baby is already more hip to what's going on than I am and you know what? I'm ok with that!

Isn't that the unspoken hazing that goes on during pregnancy and officially initiated at birth?

I've also JUST emailed off my guest list and registry sites to my best good friend who has graciously accepted my bullish assumption that she would (of course) be planning my shower. It's just that I'm that lucky to have the sister I always wished I had in her.

Somehow I thought it would be a lot easier to compile this list and send it off. In reality, it took me several weeks to consolidate all of my addresses from my address book (a regular, non-electronic address book), my Outlook contacts, my Blackberry and finally my email contact list. I never realized that I had names and addresses scattered all over the place until trying to get together the baby shower guest list.

So not only did I finish the one of the few duties of my baby shower that I'm allowed, I also organized my contacts. This made me feel more accomplished than it should. Small victories are celebrated.

My next project is to dust off my sewing machine and start the baby crib quilt. I had bought all these fabrics last year but had tucked them away out of sight for a little while. Now, these fabrics have magically resurfaced to remind me to waste not, want not. I also signed up for a machine quilting course in November.

When I retire some many years from now, I'd love to craft and quilt all day in my own little cottage shop.

Who says you need a lot?

First Baby Items

2010-09-23T22:46:00.005-04:00

Alright, I had previously resisted purchasing any baby related items because I didn't want to jinx things. I admit it! I was a little more than slightly paranoid but I gave in to an expectant mother's normal level of excitement and let myself ENJOY the entire experience (albeit a bit late).

So ... what did I get, you ask?

Coach Baby Bag

Ok, this isn't a recent purchase. Ken purchased this for me as a surprise a few months ago. It had a lot more meaning than just a plain old diaper bag. I had said after losing our first baby and during treatment for this current one that if I was ever to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, I deserve a Coach Baby Bag (cause I am a yuppie fan of Coach - I can admit it without shame).

Ken giving me this bag only a few months into a new pregnancy was his way of saying that "It was going to be ok" and to allow myself to be more excited than anxious about being pregnant.

This bag is PURDY and I LOVE it but the symbolism it represents to me is worth more than both of those things.

Chicco Cortina KeyFit Travel System

Babies R Us was offering a great trade in offer at their stores this past weekend. You trade in your old baby item for a 25% coupon towards a new item. The caveat was that it had to be used the same day.

We had several of Emma's old things she had long outgrown and hadn't gotten around to throwing out. We traded in her old stroller and VOILA! Here we have a brand new travel system.

I did a lot of searching and this was rated the most easiest to use.

Personally, it had to pass the idiot test first.
Namely, me.

I opened and closed the stroller by myself. The car seat was light and easy to maneuver. I was able to put it in and out of the stroller without too much trouble. The stroller itself has great mobility and the upper shades were removable and able to close both frontwards and backwards.

Bottomline: Ease of use outweighs any points lost for lack of aesthetics.

Graco Duo Dinner Highchair

In searching for a highchair, it was important to find something I could use for at least a few years.

Hey, what can I say? I'm a gal who likes to get my money's worth!

We also bought this little gem at 25% off. It was the clear winner out of the highchairs available at Babies R Us. I didn't care about being matchy-matchy with my stroller, playpen and whatever else is supposed to match. No one ever rarely sees these things all together to comment if they DON'T match!! Another marketing ploy!!!

But I digress.

This highchair starts out as a normal highchair and then converts into a toddler booster seat. It seems to hold infant in snugly and reclines for comfort (I had to resist asking a woman with a baby to try this out in the store). There is a footrest and I played around with the model in the store to test out the wheels. It's not built for rough terrain but all kitchen floors will love the smooth operator, Duo Dinner.

Bottomline: Cost is low given the length of use one would get from this combination highchair and booster seat.

We also bought our first outfit and all I'll say is that it does have a professional sports affiliation (of course).

Any expectant or current moms out there, send me your recommendations and suggestions! If you're anything like me, reading reviews, consumer reports and recalls eats up a lot of my free time at home these days. Any positive experiences with products are much appreciated!!

Moby Wraps and Baby Bjorn

2010-09-21T18:46:00.003-04:00

I've been slowly building my registry and came across baby carriers. I hadn't really given them all that much thought but wondered if it might be something that I would enjoy or if parents think it really is a must have.

There are two that especially pique my interest.

Moby Wrap

Baby Bjorn

I'm interested to hear other people's thoughts on baby carriers, personal experiences and if you'd recommend them or not. If so, which brand? If not, why?

The only thing that makes me wary is this article lurking in the back of my mind taken from CNN.com (March 24, 2010):

Grieving Mothers Blame Baby Slings for Infant Deaths

It wasn't a long walk to Lisa Cochran's car in the Costco parking lot, but by the time she got there her infant son was near death.

Cochran and her grandmother had just enjoyed a hot dog at the Salem, Oregon, wholesale outlet.

She had 7-day-old Derrik out of his baby carrier as she ate and people at nearby tables asked about the infant's age and expressed amazement that Cochran was already out and about after the pregnancy.

She put Derrik back in his Infantino "SlingRider" and headed out to the parking lot, but something was amiss when she reached the car, she said.

"He was not the right color. He was yellow. He had purple spots from where the sling rubbed marks on his face," said Cochran, 27.

Cochran called 911. Her fiancé, Jerrid Fowler, administered CPR. An ambulance arrived and paramedics also tried to revive the infant.

"By the time I got to the hospital, they told me they weren't able to save him," she said.

Cochran filed a lawsuit in January, asking for millions of dollars in damages and alleging that Infantino was negligent and liable for her son's May 7, 2009, death.

The death certificate cited compression asphyxia/suffocation as Derrik's cause of death, Cochran said.

Infantino issued a recall Wednesday of two baby slings, the "SlingRider" and the "Wendy Bellissimo," offering customers replacement slings.

The San Diego, California-based company said consumers should stop using the recalled slings immediately but did not take responsibility for any deaths.

"Our company is comprised of moms, dads, sisters, aunts, uncles and grandparents and we care deeply about the quality and safety of our products," President Jack Vresics said in a statement. "All of our products go through rigorous testing and we work closely with governmental agencies as well as other third-party testing organizations continually to ensure the safety of our products."

Earlier this month, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a warning about the use of certain baby slings, saying it had identified 14 deaths with sling-style carriers, most of them in children younger than 4 months. On Tuesday, Health Canada issued a joint statement with the agency, saying three of the deaths appeared to occur in one of Infantino's slings.

About 1 million of the slings were recalled in the United States, and about 15,000 were affected in Canada, according to the joint release. Around 14,000 of the slings have been recalled in Europe.

As Promised!

2010-09-19T09:06:00.003-04:00

Below are ultrasound pictures from Friday's appointment. You realize that of course you will only be seeing the non-gender incriminating shot ;)

18 WEEKS and 5 DAYS

This is baby's side profile headshot. You can see the spine trailing down ... and honestly, there would have been more but since baby's hands were covering the face AND constantly moving, there weren't too many good shots to be had.

The ultrasound technician asked,"This is what you ordered, isn't it? Uncooperative and busy baby?"

Umm ... I hope that doesn't mean colicky and up all night kind of uncooperative but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

By the way, Ken's most noteworthy contribution to the conversation there was: "Man, look at that melon!"

Yes, I married a poet.

So...

2010-09-18T15:33:00.001-04:00

...ultrasound photos from yesterday's appointment are here but not yet scanned in. I hope to get them in and up by tomorrow. Otherwise, the appointment went well. We listened to the heartbeat and saw the little one jiggling all around in there!

Tomorrow, I'll officially be 19 weeks. Tick-tock, tick-tock - how many more weeks are left?
Taken from The Bump and Baby Zone: Baby is now the size of a mango!

Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil, and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. Picture yourself after a 9 month bath and the need for protection makes sense. Baby is moving frequently and by now should be feeling those movements.

Oh and we did find out the gender but it will be kept a surprise until the baby shower. Only my fabulous shower organizer extraordinaire knows and has been sworn to secrecy! :)

Incredible Edible

2010-09-15T20:01:00.001-04:00

I'd like to spout off here a moment about food. It seems like such a simple part of our daily lives.

Not so, ladies and gentlemen, when one is pregnant!!

You have cravings, upsets, aversions, reflux, heartburn, retention, release, cramping, bloating and shall I go on? Unfortunately, it is one of the most well known of all symptoms from expectant ladies.

In my first few months, I didn't have many cravings except one:

Atomic Fireballs.

And not any imitation would do. It had to be the original nostalgic favorite introduced to the masses in the 50s. If you know me at all, you'd know I don't like fireballs. I don't even normally like heavy artificially flavored cinnamon confectioneries (reference Aftershock Incident).

However, I could eat no meat. Meat in all it's glorious types made me turn about face and wrinkle my nose in disgust. It was a challenge to find alternative sources of protein but it was possible for someone as desperate as me. Ken suffered the worst as he is a meat man and here he just became husband to a meatless wife. It was not pretty, folks.

These days, I'm back to eating meat (thankfully). No quirky cravings yet. I have since stopped craving Fireballs. Now I have terrible heartburn and must be reminded to eat every 2 hours. How? I've gotten a digital watch with a timer that beeps and glows indiglo when it's time.

I'm 18 weeks and 3 days today. Since I posted the wrong information last time, here's a little about baby (taken from The Bump and Baby Zone).

Baby is now the size of a sweet potato and becoming amazingly mobile (compared to me, at least), passing the hours yawning, hiccuping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking and swallowing.

I've been feeling movement now for the past few weeks. Not Body Snatchers like but more akin to internal cuddling ... there doesn't seem to be any good description to completely capture how it feels physically or what a woman feels emotionally each time. It's an oozing effervescent radiance enjoyed in unexpected moments. These moments also help heal part of the soul that no parent should ever have injured.

Only 2 more days until Friday's long awaited appointment to check if baby will let us know if she's a she or if he's a he :) Stay tuned for updated ultrasound pics!

Oops!

2010-09-13T10:03:00.001-04:00

I realized today that I originally posted that I was 17 weeks pregnant but as I was going over some appointments, I am really 18 weeks and 1 day (today). If anyone did the math with my due date, it would have been blatantly obvious.

You've heard of pregger brains before, right? I think I might be bringing it to a whole new level with my daily antics (sometimes shared and sometimes not). Let's just say that the things I'm willing to admit (oh, like wearing shirts inside out, putting on intimate garments inside out (or twisted - don't ask) and getting dates confused) is child's play to the things I won't own up to publicly.

I'll look back on this next year and laugh about it ... or it will be as others have said ... post pregger brains being a lot more hilarious than pregger brains.

Pray for me, folks.

Ultrasound Pictures ... FINALLY!

2010-09-11T22:24:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone!

I'm sorry these took so long to scan, upload and post!

It's no longer a real secret anywhere that we're expecting now since my stomach resembles more of a beach ball with neighboring casabas.

Ladies: if you've never been pregnant before, I don't want to tell you the scary things your body and it's functions are capable of while it is busy creating a miracle. Don't misunderstand. I'm definitely not complaining but I am fully acknowledging (and remembering) once again the uniqueness pregnancy brings to a woman's body.

Below are ultrasounds from 5 weeks and 5 days to 13 weeks and 2 days (based on my current due date of February 13, 2011) shown from oldest to newest.

5 WEEKS and 5 DAYS

FUN FACTS (taken from The Bump and Baby Zone): Baby's now the size of an appleseed! My embryo, which doesn't look like much more than a tadpole right now, is actually starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). Baby's presence in your uterus triggers production of HCG (hormone detected by pregnancy tests), which triggers the production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone, which triggers all those great symptoms I've been noticing!

This week, the baby begins to form a "C" shape - with the beginnings of a head on top curving into what will become legs later. A tube visibly outlines the "C". This tube will eventually become part of the baby's brain and spinal cord. In the middle of the "C" the beginnings of my baby's heart are taking shape.

The embryo is about 1/10 of an inch or 1.5 to 3 mm.

6 WEEKS and 5 DAYS

Fun Facts (taken from The Bump & Baby Zone):

Baby's now the size of a blueberry! Baby's brain - both hemispheres! 0 is growing fast, generating about one hundred new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now is place.

Baby has been busy this week! The brain is continuing to develop. The circulatory system becomes more complex as lungs begin to form.

Face is taking shape with eyes showing some pigmentation, visible ear holes, minuscule nostrils and an indentation where the mouth will appear. The digestive system and stomach are starting to form. Arms and legs are growing but fingers and toes have not yet developed.

12 WEEKS and 1 DAY

FUN FACTS (taken from The Bump and Baby Zone): Baby's now the size of a plum! As I move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed.

The end of the first trimester marks an important step for baby. All of the major body systems are in place. In the digestive system, the small intestine is no longer entwined with the umbilical cord but instead is neatly tucked within the abdomen. The nervous system continues to develop and the brain's structure is fully formed.

Many of the organs are starting to work on their own too. For instance, the thyroid begins to secrete hormones. Next week, baby will no longer be considered an embryo but instead graduates into a fetus. Baby even has tiny fingernails.

At 12 weeks, baby weighs in around 1.5 ounces and measures about 3 inches in length from crown to rump.

Baby's genitals will start showing signs of being either male or female soon. Baby may also be sucking as early as this week and his/her kidneys may even be producing urine.

Around this time, I invested in a maternity/pregnancy pillow as sleeping through the night already started to become a thing of the past. Originally, I used the Snoogle but now that I've been accustomed to using my Tempurpedic Neck Pillow (this isn't an infomercial), the Snoogle is now out. However, I discovered that trying to find a decent pillow for back and belly was extremely challenging. I eventually settled on something I don't even now currently use. I've ended up using regular standard pillows to create a midsection bumper.

13 WEEKS and 2 DAYS

FUN FACTS (taken from The Bump and Baby Zone): Baby's now the size of a peach! Baby is forming teeth and vocal cords...savor this, their nonfunctional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions with the head now only one third the size of the body. The intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy - much more convenient.

Week 13 marks the beginning of the 2nd trimester! It is widely recognized as pregnancy's most comfortable and enjoyable (it's all relative).

Hooray! Say goodbye to morning sickness! Second trimester brings relief and reality.

This week marks a milestone for baby. Developmentally speaking, the baby is no longer an embryo but a fetus. The baby appears to be resting because the eyelids have formed and are fused together but the arms and legs move and twitch. Baby can suck their thumb too!

Look at these pictures ... already looks like this baby has thumb sucking down!

Baby is about .5 to .7 ounces and is getting longer at about 3 inches long from crown to rump.

Fingerprints have formed on baby's tiny fingertips, veins and organs are clearly visible through the still-thin skin and the body is starting to catch up with the head.

If this is a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries.

I have another appointment next Friday that will hopefully reveal the gender!

Yes, we're definitely finding out!! But we're keeping the news a surprise until our shower :) so we're anxious to know if you think it will be a boy or a girl. Ken flip flops in his attempt to win our bet (foot rub if I win ... probably Korean BBQ if he wins - GAH!).

TODAY, I am 16 weeks and 6 days (officially 17 weeks tomorrow).

According to The Bump, baby is now the size of an onion. The skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger.

Around this time, baby's ears pop from the head and can now sense sounds. After all, baby has plenty to listen to in utero! The baby is accustomed to the strong beating of my heart, blood rushing through my veins and my stomach grumbling. The baby can also discern sounds outside the uterus like my voice and music.

This week, the little one weighs in at about 5 ounces and stretches to just over 5 inches crown to rump.

I'm assuming at this point, most of my co-workers have either guessed or assume that I'm pregnant. I've made no formal announcement to anyone other than my boss. In any case, if not being able to fit into ANY of my pre-pregger pants isn't a clue that I'm showing more now, then I should be accused of being in denial! Last week, I finally broke down and bought a few maternity pieces that should hopefully last.

New ultrasound photos to be posted next week! Stay tuned!!

In the meantime, we're curious to hear your gender guesses and suggestions for baby registry (yes, I've already begun thinking about that).

And So We Meet Again ...

2010-08-24T22:26:00.001-04:00

I haven't been back here for quite some months now. I liken it to a war veteran revisiting a place where they've seen horror. Can't go back until you're ready. Definitely can't imagine it even ever happened except that the place really exists.

But I'm not here to talk about the past.
We have a very special announcement that we're ready to share ...

* * * drum roll please * * *

We're expecting!

I'm currently 15 weeks along and feeling joy from the inside out. Once I can figure out how our scanner works, I'll be uploading all of the ultrasound pictures. Unlike last year, I've already "bloomed" all over. It's quite overwhelming that it has happened so much earlier (about four weeks earlier) than last year but I am drinking it all in ... although my doctor would be happier if I were literally drinking more (tsk tsk to less than 64 ounces per day. Can anyone drink that much and walk any more than 10 feet away from a toilet?).

We're happy.
We're excited.
But
We're also anxious.
We're worried.

So please keep that in mind when asking us personal questions.

Check back here often for updates and pictures (only ultrasound ones for now). And of course all of my inane questions and insights about maternity clothes, baby products, breastfeeding and anything in between.

We want to thank everyone for their support and hope that this all finds you well.

Making Babies

2010-04-12T14:06:00.000-04:00

"Where do babies come from?"

Isn't that the one question all parents dread? Ok, I suppose the other one would be about S.E.X. but in that context, they are closely related (one does lead to the other).

Ken and I decided fairly quickly that time is of the essence as us law folks like to say. We can dwell on the negative and wonder where we went wrong but we can't do that. We trust in the fact that there are some things that are beyond our earthly wisdom ... and we've made peace with it.

Making babies is no joke.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything to this blog. I hope someday soon it will have happier posts with ultrasound pictures and baby shower excitement. As of now, it hasn't happened quite yet.

Right now, we're keeping busy with home renovation, family get togethers and little Gizmo (we've changed our pup's name) seen below with his new best friend.

Breaking Down the Walls

2010-03-14T20:36:00.000-04:00

Rain, rain go away! The weather in this area has been rain and a lot of it. Life isn't put on hold because of inclement weather though! Otherwise, the Northeast could never function!!

We've begun renovating our bedroom so we are currently sleeping in our living room and living in our dining room. Everyone feels a little displaced but Kitty seems to be taking it well.

I'm picking up Jax tomorrow night from the airport! Here are a few more recent pictures ...

How can you refuse anything to this face?

We're all excited about his arrival! I've yet to figure out his sleeping area, food space and anything else but will be sorting it all out tomorrow morning!

In Hamilton style, we have also begun the bedroom renovation. Here are the BEFORE pictures:

This house was built in 1902 and in fashion, the walls are NOT insulated and it is all horsehair plaster!

DUST is everywhere and I'll be forever dusting!

We're also thinking about growing our little family again. It was hard to even think about for a little while so soon after but the hurt is fading and is replaced with renewed energy. But we're letting things run their course.

Big dreams don't disappear in chaos.

They are simply tucked away for a rainy day.

The walls are finally coming down.

Introducing ...

2010-02-26T16:43:00.001-05:00

Jax!!!

STATS:

Full name: Jaxson

Breed: French Bulldog

Color: Cream

Date of Birth: January 15, 2010

Place of Birth: Hunter Ridge Kennel, OK

Jax has wonderful folks looking after him there until he is old enough to travel on his own.

We're so thrilled about Jax becoming a part of our lives!
Below are a few pictures ...

ONE WEEK OLD - JANUARY 29th

TWO WEEKS OLD - JANUARY 29th

THREE WEEKS OLD - February 5th

We'll continue to post pictures and more details at homecoming :)

Gocco Wedding - Part Deux

2010-02-05T14:18:00.001-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted anything here ... Let's catch up.

Ken's left ring finger was mangled in a car door on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

Rush to the ER.

Many hours, three stitches, a broken finger and high as a kite, he was allowed to go home. He didn't feel much pain thanks to the Percocets but there was the constant changing of the dressings. Gruesome.

The next few days after that were a blur as he caught a severe cold on top of it. Two more ER visits in the days to follow uncovered an ear infection and a stomach/flu virus.

I had my own surgery the week after "the event" above.

And lately, I've been in training for work then working before and after training was over. It has not been a good New Year for any of us here quite yet.

On a lighter note, both of us have loved our food changes. Since Food, Inc., we're both much more conscious of our food. Ken is taking it a little more extreme than I am but that's ok. It's all part of the fun. He is a lot more involved in cooking so we end up spending more quality time together. Overall a win-win situation.

More recently, we've bought and made grass fed beef burgers, free-range & antibiotic/hormone free roasted chicken, homemade peanut butter, potato chips and a lot of organic eggs :) Also throw into that a fancy mandolin and requests for a Kitchen-Aid mixer, food processor and a bread maker (Ken's requests!!! Boy, our registry will have a few of these gadgets).

Neither of us are fanatics about this but we just have a heightened awareness.

I am getting back to planning our formal reception and renewal ceremony later this fall. Small steps make this process easier but a lot of help also doesn't hurt! I have on hand MANY helpful hands, hearts and minds as well as a TALENTED event planner extraordinaire (who also happens to be a very good friend of mine) who has signed on to sort out my jumbled ideas.

First part consists of DIY projects. I only have one word that inspires me to undertake such things.

GOCCO.

All will be revealed as I will chronicle it all here as I fumble, fail, try again and hopefully succeed!

Food, Inc.

2010-01-21T00:13:00.001-05:00

For those of you who haven't yet seen this, give it a look-see. The things you see may startle and surprise you. There is a lot going on in the food industry that we know very little about. Considering food is a universal importance, it should strike horror into all eyes watching.

Since we've watched this, we've been making more of a conscious effort to know where our meat is coming from and how it is getting into our hands. This doesn't mean we've taken up farming and butchering the meat ourselves but it is about awareness and taking a wholehearted interest in the details in our lives.

All this heightened sense of consciousness has also bled into other aspects of our lives that doesn't necessarily show obvious relevance.

We take a little more time soaking in the mundane minutiae of our daily lives and taking pleasure in it. It was almost as if we had been living in Plato's cave and we had been released to see the true images of the gray shadows we thought to be true. And now in hindsight, we're returning to the cave to see if others will also entertain giving the truth a chance.

Where am I going with this?

The past few months have been utter shock, awe and horror muddled into an emotional volcano that sputters searing pain from within out to the fallout experienced by others close by. And yet, we're tied to this volitile collapse and for now, we only see the devastation. Over time, we'll see if our ashes will create fertile ground or hardened rock.

At the moment, my plumbing is undergoing serious scrutiny. We are trying to be patient. We are trying to avoid negativity and are shunning ignorance altogether. We've used this space to express great joy, unspeakable pain and many moments in between. We'll continue to do so regardless of how many people do or do not read it. Thank you for those of you who are out there and have gone through a similar experience.

There is none so other than a kindred spirit connected through tragedy to aid the healing.

Who said "Feeling is healing?" That is so true.

Your Resolutions

2009-12-30T10:43:00.001-05:00

The start of a new year is drawing nearer each passing moment ...

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock ...

and what are the types of things we're so determined to stand firm on next year?

Are we convinced that this is the year we'll lose those pesky ten (maybe more like twenty) pounds gained over the holidays?

Is it decided that we'll make more time for ourselves, our children or our spouses?

Become a better friend, a more caring sibling or a considerate neighbor?

Whatever it is that you're hoping, wishing and dreaming about for 2010, there is little consolation that these things don't happen on their own. These things must take on a life of their own and more than just a slight modicum of effort on ourselves for it to materialize.

Thank you friends, family and e-samaritans for unfailing support, renewed energy and exemplifying the magnitude an act of simple human kindness can impress on a person.

Wishing everyone out there a safe and Happy New Year! See you in 2010!!

End of Year Musings

2009-12-19T09:34:00.001-05:00

We're almost to the end of the year and there a lot of erratic emotions wildly flying through our hearts ... not quite sure where to settle down. The holidays are bittersweet and the bite of loss is sharp. To cope and make it through each day, it is and was important to remind myself of the things I am thankful for.

Everyone is doing their countdown of the "Best of 2009" so I adapted that to my own liking here.

NARIA and KEN'S BEST OF 2009

JANUARY

Enjoying the wedding planning and setting a date.

FEBRUARY

Deciding a wedding theme and searching venues in a few different states.

MARCH

Planning and booking our annual joint family vacation.

APRIL

Found a venue!!!
Thanks to a wonderful suggeston - much appreciation!

Many, many birthdays!!!

MAY

Bridal dresses, the Knot and my birthday :)

JUNE

We're pregnant!! Oh Happy Day!

JULY

We're sick and preparing for vacation.

AUGUST

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!
No laptop!
Enough said.

SEPTEMBER

We're married!

Finishing first trimester and seeing 3-D ultrasound photos.
We're in awe!

OCTOBER

Shy of our next exam, Nari is born and became our personal guardian angel.

Most beautiful little girl we ever saw!

NOVEMBER

Becoming a "Mrs." on plastic and fried turkey.

DECEMBER

Ending the year - we're so ready for twenty-ten.

I forgot how wonderful it is having a living Christmas tree.

I also keep forgetting that a real Christmas tree means it also needs watering ... oops!

Don't worry though! It's still alive ...

... and holding all of our ornaments ...

... complete with a trinket admirer.

From one family to yours, keep loved ones close and warm your hearts by the fire that creates.

We exist to enjoy the adventures that these connections spark.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Wonderful Kwanzaa everyone!!!

Sweet Tooth

2009-12-16T15:50:00.001-05:00

Oreo truffles were devoured at work - both Ken's and mine! In fact, I had to get them out of the house before Ken gorged himself on them. I love baking for the holidays. Actually, that's not true. I love baking any time of year but it's probably the one time of year you can get away with baking so many sweets without the guilt. Well, not as much anyway.

This past Sunday, a dear pastor friend of mine preached a great message (as told to me by my other dear friend, his wife). I'd like to share it with you.

It was about "Unlocking Uncommon Blessings/Favor" in one's life. He said,

"Touch your heart & say this to yourself out loud:

I Am Sacred. What's Inside Me Is Sacred. And I Need to Treat it That Way."

I am in agreement that once I heard it, that one line has also rocked my world.

I am Sacred.

What's inside me is Sacred.

And I need to treat it That Way.

Have you been wasting the best parts of yourself on things, situations and people who STILL don't understand the value of who you really are?

Pause for a moment and remember: your body is a temple.

Treat it that way.

And treat others with the same honor & respect.

All credit for that message due to Rhema Fellowship Church and its great Pastor Green and First Lady.

Lights, Chocolate, Action!

2009-12-13T21:03:00.000-05:00

Can you believe we both slept in until almost noon today?! It just isn't heard of in this house so everything that we had planned for today pretty much either fell off the list altogether or was drastically delayed.

Given the gravity of our day yesterday, it seemed our souls and bodies needed rest. Neither of us left the house nor changed out of our pajamas today. Such bliss that comes from these simple things!

So we cleaned our house, put up a few more decorations inside and I spent a little time later in the evening making oreo truffles to include as part of my office gifts. There was the best holiday sprinkles I picked up yesterday in my travels ...

After making about 100 truffles and individually wrapping each, I was happy to be done with them. Each holiday printed cellophane bag will have candy canes and Lindt truffles with my homemade truffles to be added last before I bring them into work with me on Tuesday. These are the kinds of things that make the holidays so exciting for me.

Not so exciting is all the work for work that I've been and am still doing ... where is that coffee?

The Holiday Spirit

2009-12-11T15:00:00.001-05:00

Stores are blaring it, stations are playing it and we're humming along to it. Christmas is here when Oldies 103.3 FM dedicates its entire playlist of everyday to the Sounds of the Season. I admit, I've been getting in the spirit too and have settled on the Holiday music channel on TV more than a few times.

Ken and I have put it off for some time but we are finally placing our daughter's ashes to rest somewhere we can visit each year on her birth date. It's already and only been two months since that date. We've thought about this since then and realized that we were partly also afraid to face that reality head on.

How does someone bury their own child?

I don't even know the answer to that question. However, I do know how important it is for us to do this because it is more than going through the motions of the burial itself. There is such significant symbolism exhibited by our actions to do so and actively pushes PLAY on all the efforts we've invested thus far.

I won't rattle off the countless clichés about loved ones and the holidays that come to mind because we've heard them all before, right? What I will say is that none of those heartfelt Hallmark clichés spark chords with a person until their life experience allows them access.

Ok, just one saying about family and home ~ one of my favorites ...

Houses are made of sticks and stones, but

Homes are made of love alone.

Our Wedding

2009-12-04T10:08:00.001-05:00

As we're in the final month of 2009 and heading into a new year, it's rife with memories and mostly hope. I don't think I've mentioned it here but Ken and I were married just this past September in a small ceremony with family at my childhood home in New Hampshire. We're planning a formal reception with a renewal ceremony for September 2010.

I think back to this day as I'm browsing through some photos and think that there are some days that turn out so much better than you expected.

Here are a few of my favorites from the day ...

What is this life but a series of moments taken by love, laughter and most importantly, dessert!

Thanksgiving Peace

2009-11-30T17:07:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving was a very calm affair this year. So calm, in fact, that I plum forgot to take any pictures of our cooking frenzy. Even though I didn't plan to cook much this year because of my scheduled surgery the day before Thanksgiving (yes, it was very bad timing), it turned out that I just couldn't stay out of my kitchen!

Have I shown you my kitchen?

This is newly renovated as of last Thanksgiving and it's by far my most favorite place in our house!

I custom ordered the butcher block top and my handy husband made the island from scratch.

Notice my pot filler above the stove?

This one thing alone made the months of take-out worthwhile!

We finished off the floor with bamboo hardwood, purchased all new stainless steel appliances and installed granite countertops (shown below).

On the wall, right of the breakfast bar, is where I used chalkboard paint and an open frame to good use ...

And what is the question on every woman's mind while cooking?

Amid these surroundings, our feast came together. Even though we didn't have our usual crowd this year, it was a blessing in disguise because what we needed most this time around was peace.

I wish I had taken pictures of the table settings, food prep and finished dishes but the most notable differences this year was our decision to deep fry our turkey, homemade cranberry sauce (instead of the Ocean Spray canned) and the "Turkey Derrick" (courtesy of The Food Network) Ken rigged to lower the turkey into the fryer.

Knowing that this may very well be our last Thanksgiving at this house before we officially move up north, we're making each moment here count.

We're picking up our tree a week late because we had already moved our decorations to the other house so once we pick those back up, we'll be picking out a tree at the lot to decorate.

Christmas is almost here and we're already running behind!

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

Watch out for Christmas decorations and crafts - It really is the most wonderful time of year!

Wishful Thinking ...

2009-11-22T09:23:00.004-05:00

I think everybody has those moments where you take a snapshot of a moment in your life and wish it away. Those moments make you doubt the person you are and test what you're made of. Most have a love/hate relationship with those moments. I know I do.

I'm looking at the tall turntable of festive and LUSCIOUS cupcakes. The heavenly aroma of freshly brewed specialty coffees hangs in the air. I've been sitting in a quirky coffeeshop plugged into my iTunes and hooked into their Wi-Fi just loving this moment.

In the time of year where the focus is what we are thankful for, it is very difficult for me to BE thankful although I know that there is much I AM thankful for. Focusing on the positive is unfailingly exhausting these days but I'm trying.

I'd like to share with you my list of things that I'm thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for ...

... the unseasonably warm days of November in New England.

... the turning of the seasons (I would surely miss it if I were ever to leave this area).

... my understanding, supportive and positive husband.

... my well-intentioned family (you all know what I'm talking about here).

... knowing pain to appreciate joy that much more.

... understanding loss to treasure the present.

... feeling grief to honor my past.

... experiencing birth, even in it's tragedy, to realize miracles happen.

Life doesn't always happen in the ways that you might expect and often times, we're left with the scars and gaping wounds that can only hope to heal in time. Yet, even through the times where you aren't sure why "bad things can happen to good people" or why "good things can happen to bad people", stay faithful to the first phrase.

What do I mean by that?

Remember that you are a good person. Bad is the balance of good and that the grass always seem greener on the other side.

Thanksgiving is about more than food, it's about family and appreciating the glue that keeps it together ... whatever that may be!

Wishing eveyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!

p.s. Send me updates on your Thanksgiving. I'll be posting pictures and possible personal recipes after the holiday.

My First Time

2009-11-12T21:29:00.004-05:00

Perhaps I'm naive or just plain ignorant but in this case, I wished to ascribe the saying "Ignorance is bliss" to myself.

~ flash back ~

I picked up Nari's ashes on Tuesday afternoon from the hospital. It arrived in a white paper gift bag, in a white box accompanied by a white envelope with gold writing. I'm not sure if all the white was intentional but it did invoke images of heaven, haloes, winged spirits and innocence but I immediately rejected them all.

Here is where my naivete kicks in ...

While the social worker was busy asking me about how I was coping, feeling and doing, all I spied with my little eye were the cremains perched on a cluttered entryway table.

What do they look like?

How do they package this?

Was that really my baby in there?

Not pleasant thoughts.

I was surprised to see that white envelope with all the fancy gold writing. What was in there? Oh ... the Death Certificate. I never knew there was such a thing and although it made logical sense (if there is a Birth Certificate, of course there would be such a thing as a Death certificate), my emotional sense was hurt by it.

There were a lot of mixed emotions coursing through my system while I drove home. The white bag sat small in the passenger seat but exuded such a presence. I will say that it isn't quite the way I imagined bringing my baby home.

Formalities

2009-11-08T17:16:00.002-05:00

For those unaware (and trust me, I was most certainly unaware), in 2002, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts enacted a state law that gives parents who have experienced a pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth the option to request that the state Registrar of Vital Records issue a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth.

The above is taken directly from the reverse side of the application that was given to us by the hospital social worker while we were still there. I realized I hadn't read it completely until today.

It also states:

The law gives parents the option of requesting a certificate at any time in the future.

Given the option, Ken and I decided that we did want a birth certificate so we promptly mailed our application and check the day after we came home from the hospital. It arrived in the mail just yesterday and here it is framed.

I'm sorry that this picture is not very clear. The ball of light you see is the camera flash but you will see that I added the little scrollwork up top and the pink footprint onto the cardboard matting.

Little by little, these are the ways we are healing and honoring our baby. Time is a conscionable thief. Taking the mediocrity out of each day but leaving the illusion of feeling that day only yesterday.

Letting in the Light

2009-11-03T19:48:00.006-05:00

Today is only Tuesday but I would believe it if someone told me it was really Friday. We were only pretending today was Tuesday. Everyone loves to play pretend, right?

Yesterday was my first day back to work. I had taken a little less than four weeks off from work thinking that would be enough to physically heal, mentally regroup and tie up most of our administrative loose ends. Turns out it takes a lot longer than four weeks to do all of that. Who knew?

Physically, things have calmed down. Sometimes my mind, body and heart don't all agree but I'm still moving, brain bustling and the blood is coursing in efforts to fuel my soul.

Several people have told me how strong I am. Others have asked where do I get this kind of strength?

I'll tell you an unsecret. I don't have strength. No, it is just that my heart and soul hasn't completely shut down. What an amazing self-discovery!

There have been many moments of sheer collapse. It is strange because it isn't until your own most difficult times do you realize what virtues (that your fellow good citizen strives for) are ones you'd kept blissfully contained.

I came back to the office after the company finished renovations to convert all of the cubicles and office walls to glass and a more open concept layout. There have been reactions spanning each spectrum. Even stranger ... I, usually an outspoken advocate for causes and an enthusiastic picketer, haven't really felt anything about the changes one way or another. No overtly positive or adverse opinions.

I do notice the light that now floods the occupied and cramped space. I'm generally very sensitive to light due to my chronic migraines but so far, I haven't minded the light.

On the contrary, it reminds me of a quote that I'm fond of:

I keep the subject of my inquiry constantly before me, and wait till the first dawning opens gradually, by little and little, into a full and clear light.

~ Isaac Newton

I'm a notorious planner.

I'm a closet sentimental.

Now, I'm also the glass "a little more full".

Before this month, I did not even realize I was living in the dark but I'm opening up to the light and soaking it in.

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T15:28:00.003-04:00

This Halloween is a strange one because we're experiencing so many changes in our lives. We didn't decorate or put our usual lights up outside our house this year because we're packing and moving. We didn't stock up on Halloween treats or get into costume. And most of all, I'm not really sure if I'll be excited to see all the little witches, princesses, spidermans and ghosts trick-or-treating this year.

Regardless, we will be stocking up on candy today. We will be putting on the spooky music and brew our glühwein to sip while oohing and ahhing at the creative costumes.

Our street has an especially high volume of activity. Most of it can be attributed to the fact that several houses on this street decorate to the extreme for most of the major holidays. One decorates for EVERY SINGLE holiday of the year. I don't know where they store all of the tacky inflatables and lighted plastics! Their basement has to look like a mad funhouse!

Happy Halloween to all the ghouls and goblins that have dressed up to celebrate the passing and beginning of another season.

That's most important to remember.

We're here for the living
and
I appreciate every reminder of that.

The Newlywed Game

2009-10-27T00:02:00.001-04:00

Mondays are busy for everyone but considering my temporary hiatus from work, I have had the luxury of sleeping in and taking it easy.

Yesterday was a little different. I woke up early to see my husband off to his client in Connecticut and I left soon after for a meeting of my own. As I sat in crawling traffic on the way, my mind wandered to how I might be feeling and how much my belly would have grown if I were still pregnant.

I would have been 24 weeks by now. Most of the physical afterbirth side effects have disappeared but I'm still blanketed by the emotional ones. At Ken's suggestion, I've since unsubscribed from all the pregnancy updates and emails so I'm not sure what she might have been up to by now. I have to admit, there are times when Ken is right (yes, I committed that to writing!).

We're waiting to have Nari's ashes returned from the funeral home. What happens after that isn't public information but her parents have a special plan.

What is God's grand design for us? Whatever it is, my hope is to discover the silver lining in hindsight. Regardless of whether we can recognize what The Plan might be, it is important to have faith.

Ken and I are not religious by any means. We were both raised Catholic and attended parochial schools but don't feel as though our faith is demonstrated by our attendance. By faith, I mean it in other ways in addition to and beyond the confines of a few hours each week in a specific location.

What do I mean? Faith in each other. Faith in ourselves. Faith in our future.

Without faith, we wouldn't have made it through the night at the hospital, the day we came home and the blurred days immediately after. Without faith, we wouldn't have hope for our future and the strength to stay positive. Most importantly, faith guides Ken and I to be who we need the other to be for each other. It isn't foolproof (ask either of us!). We're not keeping score. We're keeping the faith!

We haven't been married very long but it's safe to say that we've been through hell in a sandstorm during what should have been our honeymoon. I say that with a chuckle and have still retained a sense of humor through it all.

Wedded Bliss

2009-10-25T20:42:00.002-04:00

Our dear friends Jeff and Jefferson (a.k.a. Jeff Squared) officially wed yesterday and the weekend has been filled with a flurry of wedding activity! It was such a heartwarming reminder of what an exciting and exhausting time a wedding can be. They wrote their own vows and couldn't help but get misty while they were exchanged but I wasn't the only one! I'm so glad I brought a few tissues!

We were so happy to be a part of their celebration with them and I've shared some of my favorite photos from the day here.

Boston skyline and view from the venue.

(Museum of Science)

The day was a little gloomy but the view was still amazing!

This picture of the car has nothing to do with the wedding but if it looks familiar, you may be interested to know it was Potter-mania at the museum and Ken is a fanatic! This picture was snapped while we were waiting to be brought up to the function room.

Cake cutting ... I realize that there are no pictures of the most important part but we were requested to refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony.

This is my favorite picture of us (by us) taken as

Mr. & Mrs. Hamilton :)

Our newfound favorite friends from the West coast (John & Jorge).

Newlyweds!

Jeff, Ken, me and Jefferson

They are off to their honeymoon in Costa Rica tomorrow. I'm so jealous but can't wait to see the pictures when they return!

In Remembrance

2009-10-21T00:06:00.002-04:00

I saw this poem posted from another mother who lost their baby too soon and felt immediate affinity for the words and poem ...

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be better.

I will not be better because of genetics, or money or that
I have read more books but because I have struggled and
toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I
have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over
and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the
rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has
given me this insight, this special vision with which
I will look upon my child that my friends will not
see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Geek Gadgets

2009-10-20T18:34:00.000-04:00

Since Ken has been travelling, I've been keeping myself busy with projects and planning ... and just a lil' bit of shopping.

During a quick stop into Restoration Hardware today, I found the BEST letter opener. Anyone who knows me knows how much I heart pens, pencils and all things stationery. Ken is sick of seeing all the endless piles of fabrics, embossed papers and writing devices but for me, it's the small things that excite! (I once had a two day love affair with a pen that also moonlighted as a highlighter! Ohh-la-la!!)

Let me show you why this letter opener is separate from the rest:

The letter opener is shaped like a encyclopedic book ...

The letter opener runs on 2 AA batteries and has two round blades ...

And here is the done deal. A clean, crisp cut that is enough to make you feel excited about opening up those bills!

Well, maybe not but it was enough for me to open all of Ken's bills!

Meeting Expectations

2009-10-18T19:55:00.000-04:00

Much of our weekend was spent in the car running from appointments to obligations. There was also the usual business of general errands that always seem to be earmarked for Saturdays and Sundays.

En route to somewhere we needed to make an appearance, we stopped into the NH liquor store to search for gluhwein (pronounced "glue-vine"). The wine god steered us right because this particular outlet had just received an entire shipment. Gluhwein is a popular German mulled spice red wine. Ken and I had started drinking it on Halloween one year. It was chilly out and we kept the door open to watch the little ones in their costumes collect their edible treats with our ghoulish symphony streaming through.

Surprised and elated to find it, we bought six bottles and heated two bottles Friday night. It is usually simmered on very low heat with orange slices and cinnamon sticks. Such as apple cider, pumpkins and Thanksgiving are reminders of the changing season, gluhwein has likewise turned into a heartwarming notion inciting nostalgia.

As promised, Ken picked up my new craft/sewing table and it was everything I could hope it would and should be. It is currently sitting idle in the living room but it will hopefully serve its created purpose very soon!

Oh, pumpkins! Oh, pumpkins!
How can I carve thee? Let me count the ways!
None of which did matter
Since our beloved pumpkins at our house they lay ...

Needless to say, we stopped back at home in our travels to pick up our forgotten cargo determined to carve them at my parents' house Saturday night.

Dilemma number two?

No carving tools OR stencils and patterns! After a quick stop at the local Target, we finally had our tools, patterns and pumpkins!

After much ado, below are the fruits of our labor with great assistance from our friend Gluhwein ....

Ken may have imbibed a bit too much for this to be completely safe ... you notice the crazy look in his eye?

I even have actual footage of this rare creature on video but I've spared the poor thing and haven't uploaded it.

This is before we actually started carving. You notice that we are all still smiling here.

The pumpkin I carved ...

... and the pumpkin Ken carved.

Which looks more difficult to carve?

Ken would like to think his princess head was tougher than the haunted house. The jury is still out on this one.

Emma was happy to see them both FINALLY lit up after asking "Are you done yet?" incessantly through the ENTIRE process.

Yes, she is the only one still smiling at the end.

For all intensive purposes, Halloween is officially over at The Hamiltons and I am looking forward to doing it all over again ...

... next year.

Our Halloween Weekend

2009-10-16T09:54:00.000-04:00

As a result of our often mismatched weekends, we always plan holidays and events around it. Very often, it's like getting bonus days that we have dubbed Hamilton Holidays.

This entire weekend, we're celebrating Hamilton Halloween.

Last weekend, we snuck in apple picking and found two perfect jack-o-lantern wannabes between the miserable drizzles. We didn't have enough time to do much with either the apples or the pumpkins that day but we'll be gutting, scooping and carefully carving out our pumpkins with Emma this weekend.

I Googled "carved pumpkins" for inspiration. You can imagine the many hundred images that appeared ...

... and if you know this little girl at all, you can take a wild guess as to which one we'll most likely be carving. Oh, and the Princess one that Emma will want.

Inspiration can be found in the most unexpected places and through unsuspecting actions.

I watch Ken working diligently at our breakfast bar and loading the dishwasher. Kitty is on my lap purring and I'm watching The Little Mermaid with Emma on the couch while she sniffs all the perfume samples in my O magazine.

Nondescript events without an ascribed purpose give me my moments of joy and sustain my well of inspiration. Events with a title are highly overrated.

In other news, I've rediscovered my love of treasure hunting and DIY projects. As we prepare ourselves for renovations in a new place, my little brain is furiously churning with more ideas than ink to jot them down. I'm carrying around a small journal in my purse for this reason because enlightenment can occur anywhere!

This weekend, my wonderful husband is picking up a craft table for me on the South shore. Thankfully, he humors all of my aspirations to become a famous crafter.

This is my first piece of furniture for my coveted craft room.

The other major piece will be custom built by Ken "The Tool Man" Hamilton. My boy is very handy with the hammer and nail so who am I to neglect his innate talent? Not I! I aim to encourage and cultivate ... and if that journey also involves something for me? Well, that would only be an unintentional but welcome side effect of my effortless educational coddling.

Dawn of a New Day

2009-10-15T11:15:00.000-04:00

I've decided that instead of replacing this blog with a new one to chronicle this journey Ken and I are taking, we are going to continue the blog and take turns posting our thoughts and rants. We want to capture the whole of our lives that began with a tragedy that won't be forgotten.

As a "new" official family, we have so many plans, ideas and thoughts we want to share with our friends and extended family. We'd also love to hear your comments, ideas and answers to questions we post as we feel our way through this wonderful thing called life.

Right now, I'm taking some down time with Ken, my close ones and myself. I'm recovering physically and healing emotionally.

There are moments of guilt for feeling things like happiness and having an appetite. Foreign emotions but not obstacles.

We are also planning to move back up north. We'll sorely miss being so close to the city and the bright lights but we're happy to trade those in for a calmer setting and a different kind of bright lights ... the stars.

Ken and I feel so very blessed to be surrounded with our family, friends and understanding bosses at work.

Keep us posted on all of your lives ... through comments on this blog, through email or by phone ... because we'll be posting updates here for you all to let the people who care about us know that we're doing okay and haven't given up hope.

Hugs for all!!

Final Post from Both of Us

2009-10-09T08:46:00.002-04:00

HERS

I know that it has been a few days but the days blend together as one neverending surreal moment. I wonder what day today is and if it should even matter.

Regardless, the sun rises and sets as expected. Only my time has stood still.

I've had my share of medical challenges these past few years and have never pretended bravery but none so paramount as the one I've lost.

Here are some amazing things that have happened since:
I can still feel hot and cold on my skin.
I understand phantom pain and now know it exists.
My body is confused and wakes me up every two hours... if I was sleeping at all.
I am experiencing postpartum with only the "post" but no "partum".
It pains me to know that I'm not the first or last to know this pain.

Life does go on. With time, there will be healing and even this jagged memory's edges will soften to turn a comforting shade of gray.

HIS

I am starting off this post with the statement that I have never been good with words or expressing myself, but as I write this I am looking at the last ultra sound of my unborn daughter and a whole tidal wave of emotion is flowing over me.

Like I said I have never been good with expressing myself or showing much in the way of emotions in front of others. Maybe it is due to my thinking that showing emotions shows weakness or the fact I believe I need to be the strong one for others.

Whatever the case may be the one thing I know for sure is this, I have never felt anything so painful or such deep hurt as the night I lost my daughter. The pain inside me is greater knowing that I was not able to be there to comfort my new wife while she had to give birth. I feel such deep regret knowing she had to go through this alone without me there and or her family.

When I arrived at the hospital everything was already over…..our child was going to have to be born and there was nothing medically the doctor could do to save her. I knew something was terribly wrong when I told the nurse I was looking for my wife Naria and without ever saying a word he briskly showed me to her room.

My wife laid there with a look of strength in her eyes as she told me the news about what happened. The news hit me like a sledge hammer and I was in a state of disbelief and shock.

I am not going to go into detail of what happened nor am I going state how tragic this has all been, but what I am going to share with each of you is how much joy and love I felt for Naria when our baby was placed in her arms. At that moment all my walls were broken down, every emotion I had bottled up inside me flowed out of me and I knew, I knew right then and there, I would not give up hope and do everything in my power to make sure we would have a child!

To my daughter Nari, words cannot describe how sorry I am that daddy was not there to bear witness to your arrival in this world, but you did something that no other person on this earth has been able to do…….you’ve broke down those walls and barriers I have had up for so many years and allowed me to love unconditionally again. Your mother and I will cherish this moment in time and we will honor you every year.

Love Daddy!

OURS

Nari G. Hamilton was born on October 6, 2009 at 11:30pm at Melrose-Wakefield Hospital 20 weeks premature. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes surrounding doll-like perfection haloed by her peaceful sleeping face.

We cradled our baby ... whispered "We love you" and felt blessed to have met her.

Watching Me Grow

2009-10-05T09:59:00.000-04:00

It is increasingly difficult to ignore the baby as the weeks pass us by as my belly is moving outward. The Bump says the baby is now the size of a cantalope! Kind of a jump from last week's mango ... no?

We're enjoying the cooler weather and the abundance of everything apple! Apple pie, apple crisp, caramel apples, candy apples, apple cider, apple juice and even fresh, plain ol' apples too :)

Since the baby's ears are now fully formed (so I've read), Ken suggested we try to use some headphones and blast some classical music through the womb. Not sure if he is worried about baby's smarts ;)

This goes to our other idea of getting a prenatal monitor. Have any other moms ever gotten one? And what do you think about the headphones?

I also just got my first baby item! A bassinet!! I wasn't planning on buying one personally since babies never use this for long or even at all but someone I knew was giving hers away so I jumped on it! Her daughter never used it (didn't want to!) so it's in brand new condition!

I'm also starting to pattern out my baby's crib quilt. I've got all the fabrics laid out on my ironing board and wondering how I'll cut and sew these together! I love all things homemade!

Small things excite these days ... like the caramel apple I have waiting in my fridge for later ...

The NESTER

2009-09-28T14:29:00.000-04:00

I absolutely LOVE this blog and today is their Giveaway Day!!
Thanks to my girl for reminding me!

Check out their page and start commenting to be entered!
http://nestingplacenc.blogspot.com/

Ohh-la-la! I can just feel my alter ego (designer extraordinaire wannabe ;) emerging through The Nester and her blog!

Baby's First Concert!

2009-09-21T12:11:00.000-04:00

Sort of! :)

We're walking zombies today at work from the U2 concert we attended last night! Since Baby is beginning to hear things outside the womb, there was a lot of bouncing around in there.

Concert was amazing but a little tiring for me! It had been awhile since I had been up past the witching hour but all the traffic and drunken crowds were worth it. Bono didn't disappoint!

Shy Guy ...

2009-09-18T14:00:00.000-04:00

Or Gal!

We've had our ultrasound appointment this morning. Unfortunately, Baby Hamilton was quite the busy body and didn't let us see. I'll post the updated pictures soon. We saw all the teeny bones, heart beating, little hands and feet and a cute button nose (not sure where the baby got that from!).

Next appointment is in one month where we'll have another ultrasound to check the heart and development. We're monitoring this little one very closely.

So folks, we still have no idea if this is a boy or a girl. The suspense will linger for at least another month. Ken was disappointed but we'll have a definite answer long before the baby shower ... but I wish we were able to find out today too!

The Lord is giving us the opportunity to practice the virtue of patience. We know we'll need it once the baby is here and we're parenting full time!

In the meantime, I've gotten my blood drawn today to test for neural tube defects. I also asked the doctor about whether or not I should receive the flu shot and/or the H1N1 shot. He said that the flu shot is something many pregnant women get but that there are a lot of mixed feelings about the H1N1 vaccine. I'll definitely get the flu shot but I'm not so sure about the H1N1 shot.

My doctor made a great analogy about the flu shot being a lot like buying a lottery ticket. Can't win unless you play and you may not be protected against certain strains if you don't get the shot ... but I'm still not sold on H1N1.

Building a Registry

2009-09-15T19:47:00.000-04:00

Things have been fairly quiet (baby-wise) these days ... ahhh bliss! More movement down below and completely in maternity capris and pants. I haven't told too many folks at work yet but I'm going to let the baby make himself/herself known in his/her own way.

I have started to put together a registry but found it hard when it came to gender specific items. Hopefully that won't be an issue after this Friday! Eke! We're both so excited! Our last ultrasound pictures were at about ten weeks so I expect the ones we see on Friday to be mind blowing. We still don't have a preference for either sex as long as the baby is healthy. Ken flips between saying that the baby is most certainly a boy ... or a girl.

No real strange cravings (yet) ... well, at least I don't think so! Ken might have different opinions about that :)

Back to the registry: Other than the cutesy boy/girl items, I'm also seeking out suggestions for types of bottles, baby products and must haves from my mommy friends. So please keep the ideas coming frequently even if you've sent them before. I've gotten some great ideas and trying to keep a cohesive list of these items (pregger brain doesn't help here!).

I've learned how to ask for help and completely appreciate the great people who have offered their womanly wisdom. Muah! Muah! Thank you!!

Sleepless Nights ... Sleepier Days

2009-09-09T11:14:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling a lot better in terms of nausea, dizziness and overall adjustment ("growing") issues. However, now that Baby is now eating and peeing more, so am I. Unfortunately, since the little one has no concept of time and won't for quite some time, this means hunger pangs and bathroom trips at all hours of the day AND night. I've resigned to leaving several snacks like trail mix, crackers and cereal by the bedside table along with the bottles of water to wash down the handful I may have at 2:30a.

This is a pretty accurate self-portrait (clipartguide) of me at work during the day since my fairly new night schedule has started. I've become Costanza and wondering who I can hire to build my custom sleep cubby underneath my desk.

Five Months In!

2009-09-05T21:05:00.001-04:00

Hard to believe that we're already five months into the journey! It doesn't seem too long ago that we were just finding out and wondering what to expect.

Let's do a quick recap so far:
Month One: Disbelief and Excitement.
Month Two: Fatigue and Sickness.
Month Three: Maternity Clothes and Reality.
Month Four: Energy and Eating.

Baby has grown to approximately the size of an avocado (The Bump):

Tiny bones are forming in baby's ears which means he/she can now hear my voice. Eyebrows, eyelashes and hair are starting to come in and taste buds are forming. Baby is emptying his/her bladder every 40-45 minutes (yes, I can confirm this!).

Constantly remembering to eat has become quite the issue only because I tend to forget until poor Baby Hamilton is wondering What gives?

Hunger is almost constant since I don't and can't eat much in one sitting. I go to work with a full lunch bag of fruit, bread and extra snacks to sustain me through the day. This becomes especially troublesome during meetings.

I also cannot control my body temperature at any given time and run hot to cold (and vice versa) A LOT. This has taught me a couple of things: Wear deodorant every day, dress in layers but always with a tank style top and keep a hair clip handy. Even as I'm writing this, I'm thinking I'd like a fan and an ice pop.

Oh and I love (crave?) potatoes. Any kind of potatoes, folks. Sweet potato, baked potato, roasted potatoes, mashed potatoes, french fries, potato chips, home fries and shall I go on? Mmmm ... PO-TA-TO ...

Lite Equals Nausea

2009-09-01T08:47:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note about eating anything with Lite, Lean or Healthy in the label whilst preggers ... it almost always equals nausea (at least for me).

Korean BBQ, Butterfingers & Nutty Buddys

2009-08-31T09:05:00.000-04:00

It should go without saying that my boy has got a good appetite (which I like) but these days, I'm not sure who the pregnant one is because he CRAVES Korean BBQ every single dang week! I don't mind Korean food (obviously) but since it's just the two of us if we go to a restaurant, the minimum order for BBQ is 2 ... which means I end up getting meat each time too!

We had dinner with my folks on Saturday night and guess what was on the menu ... KOREAN BBQ! Now that my mom knows that Ken loves the stuff, she has become the enabler! (Just kidding, mom!)

Lately, I've been klutzy to the extreme. Just dropping things left and right and wondering if my brain can't tell my hands to keep it's grip! Just this morning while pumping gas, I dropped the nozzle (yes, seriously) and I was afraid it would start spraying all over the place (think Zoolander gas hosing scene)!

Then a few nights ago, I've been wanting those old school favorites we used to love from school cafeterias and ice cream trucks ... the Nutty Buddy. Does anyone remember those? I never much liked them as a kid but felt myself wanting a taste of the chopped peanuts and chocolate filled cone. Needless to say, Ken wasn't allowed to come back home without them last night. And yes, it was DELICIOUS!

Nesting?

2009-08-26T09:07:00.000-04:00

Nah! It's too early for full blown nesting but I did get the overwhelming itch to dig out my sewing machine last night and start with a fairly easy project as a refresher.

I found this cute goodie bag pattern online and decided to give it a go. I stopped off at the craft store after work, hunted, conquered, procrastinated at home and then started it around 7:30p. It took some literal digging to find my sewing machine, cutting mat, rotary cutter and exacto knife all buried in my half of our shared office.

My poor sewing machine started to fall apart the second I plugged it in. The needle came loose, the feed foot came undone and my bobbin flew off! I was afraid of what might happen next!!

Despite those minor snags during our reacquaintance, my trusty Brother and I got the project done.

Not perfect but now that I've done it once, I will be able to experiment with other fabrics and appliqué designs. Not too shabby for a comeback :)

Motherhood Saves the Day

2009-08-25T09:13:00.000-04:00

And by "motherhood" ... I don't mean the intangible concept of the word that is the cause of heartfelt moments and life giving joy. No, by Motherhood, I mean the very tangible store with very tangible clothes for the not so palpable view of my current self.

I'm sure most pregnant women are gorgeous (I personally know a few) but the antithesis of that is right here, folks. Yes, that's right. I've officially given up figuring out if I can still bear to squeeze into any pants with a button, snap or clasp or if I should yield willingly into the realm of elastic waistbands, "Belly Bandits", "Secret Fit Belly" and "B-Buckles".

For pregnant gals and prior members, these names will probably sound familiar to you. For others, they might as well be cartoon names. For me, I'm somewhere in between.

I dragged myself into a Motherhood store for the first time to find it both overwhelming and annoying at the same time. Overwhelming are the onslaught of all things maternity and annoying are the scant collection of the same things not made for someone under 5'6". Oompa-Loompas come to mind.

Regardless, I sifted through these racks and picked out several items that far exceeded the amount of money I wanted to pay as a first time maternity clothes buyer (wasn't there a discount for first timers?). Most were work appropriate and fall wear in preparation for the months where such clothes would be unavoidable.

I'm happy to be pregnant. I'm less excited to feel awkward in clothes (*junior high flashback!).

We're only focusing on H.A.P.P.Y.

Second Prenatal Exam

2009-08-21T13:29:00.000-04:00

So either Ken heard wrong or I did but somehow we thought we had another ultrasound appointment today but didn't! LOL

In any case, it was basically a checkup to go over test results and leave a urine sample (apparently this has to be done at every visit from now until the baby is born).

All the results came back negative so that's good news. We were able to listen to the heartbeat with a doppler. We even heard little "thumps" that the doctor told us were kicks although I wouldn't really feel these for another few weeks yet. I was told I could feel twinges or flutters now and these were normal.

We're almost at 14 weeks (tomorrow) and was reassured today that things are still progressing well. Since I can't feel much quite yet, there are days where I worry (paranoid, yes) if baby is doing ok in there.

I go in for other tests the week of September 5 to check the baby for Down's Syndrome and spina bifida. So many tests!

Our next Prenatal Exam is in mid-September. I will be 18 weeks by then and actually do have an ultrasound appointment that day. So we still don't know whether Baby Hamilton is a boy or a girl (the suspense!) but you'll know as soon as we do :)

By the way, the nurse asked me if there was one baby in there or two. I told Ken this and his brows furrowed into slight worry and panic. As far as I know, there is only one baby and suspect that if it were otherwise, it would show up on the ultrasounds. Wouldn't that be a SURPRISE!

Welcome to my Second Trimester!

2009-08-17T09:31:00.000-04:00

I am happy to say that I am officially in my Second Trimester. Sometimes you try not to think about it so you won't jinx anything but making this hurdle does decrease our chances of miscarriage significantly and in a situation like ours, that's really reassuring news.

The Bump Checklist says the baby is now the size of a peach.

Teeth buds and vocal cords have formed as well as eyelids although they are still fused together. Arms and legs move and twitch - Baby can also suck it's thumb too.

We're also just back from our vacation but it just didn't seem anywhere near long enough! I survived an entire week wearing a bathing suit on this burgeoning midsection but was surprised to see I had only gained a few pounds while away ... which I then instantly started losing once we got home (could be the scant cooking I'm doing these days!).

It is becoming apparently obvious that I cannot comfortably wear any of my old pants with buttons or clasps and am in dire need of more elastic waistbands! My next shopping trip will be for a few basics that can be worn to work.

Doctor's appointment is scheduled for this Friday morning and I'm extremely anxious since we might be able to find out the baby's sex that day!!

Calgon ... Take me away!

2009-08-06T08:47:00.000-04:00

It's been one of those weeks at work and I'm finally looking forward to a little down time with my favorite people (hopefully all fun in the sun). We've rented a waterfront beach house in the Cape with some friends for our annual joint family vacation. The kids really have a great time together and so do all the parents! I probably won't be able to stay awake for long stretches and no alcohol but that's not the only reason people go on vacation ;)

No laptops on the beach (I'm determined for both of us to live ANTI-WORK next week) but we will both have our Blackberrys ... guess we just can't drop all of our geek gadgets for that long!

Btw - I had something spicy last night for dinner for the first time since I experienced horrendous heartburn a few months ago and I think it may have receded!! Or I just got lucky! Either way, I was relishing dinner!

Thanks to Nana Susan for her thoughtful card (we just got it yesterday) and Grandma Mary for calling to check in on us (sometimes we need it!).

Vacations always have a way of whizzing by so I'll be back with updates and a few pictures before you know it! We're also looking forward to our next doctor's appointment that Friday we return because we just MIGHT be able to see if Baby Hamilton is a boy OR a girl!

Clothes ... going, going, MATERNITY!

2009-08-03T10:32:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure how others before me have done it but I'm already to the point where I need extra support AND comfort for the girls (yes, those ones attached) as well as pants that won't feel like I'm walking in a vice grip all day. Do those things exist anywhere?

While we were shopping yesterday with the sole intention of finding me some new maternity pants, shirts and most importantly a bathing suit for vacation and beyond ... there were ZERO or sorely lacking maternity sections inside department stores nevermind entire stores devoted to all things maternity!

Where are people buying clothes that free the growing (and sore) baby bump? What happened to all those cute styles I see other like women walking comfortably by in? I jealously eye their comfort and wonder when I'll find my solace in clothes!

I've resorted to my standby ... going online! Here is one situation where money and resources really can buy happiness (at least until the baby is born!).

Sickness ... Over?

2009-07-31T09:36:00.000-04:00

Although I woke up feeling tired today - per usual - I am feeling less nauseous overall. I still have dizziness and slight headaches but I'm not complaining.

Tomorrow is Baby Hamilton's 11 week birthday (lol) and according to a cute checklist from The Bump, Baby is about the size of a Lime now or 1.6 inches .25 oz.

I feel slight twinges here and there but from what I read, it isn't actually the baby I'm feeling but my stomach and uterus expanding.

I'll be sure to post some tummy pictures soon (if I dare) because according to Ken and La-La, I definitely have a noticeable "baby bump". Isn't it still too early for all of that?

I'm embracing pregnancy with an open heart but I don't know if I quite feel the same about maternity pants and bras ... you get my meaning?

Legs to Stand On

2009-07-28T08:18:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all your well wishes and happy thoughts as well as offers to be venting outlets and pools of knowledge during quite an unpredictable journey. The news was met with some surprise but mostly excitement. We wanted our friends and family to know that we're so appreciative that we've got such a great support system behind us.

My next appointment isn't for a few more weeks. The ultrasound tech mentioned that we just may be able to tell the sex of the baby by then so we're excited.

In the meantime, we're just wondering if Baby is a he or a she? Ken is hoping for a girl (go figure!) but I don't mind whether the little one is a boy or a girl.

I'm counting down to the end of the First Trimester and to those of you who have been there and done that, I know you can truly empathize! Thank goodness for Ken, family and friends since they really do give me the legs to stand on.

First Prenatal Exam & Third Ultrasound

2009-07-26T13:05:00.001-04:00

Baby Hamilton has graduated from the specialist and had our first appointment with my regular obstetrician on July 24, 2009. Above is a 2D image and how much has baby changed! We could hardly believe it! Until we saw these ...

At 9 weeks and 6 days, Baby Hamilton already looks like ... well, a baby! Ken and I puffed with excitement. For me, this is the moment that the idea of a baby turned into a reality. Baby's heartbeat was beating at a steady 175 bpm and we were actually able to listen to this!

Although I've been trolling plenty of sites and books on baby's development as well as my personal symptoms and how to cope, nothing compares with actually seeing something like that materialize from just a mere concept into a genuine epiphany that this whole process (as old as time as it may be) was truly a miracle in the making.

Other than the amazing pictures, progress was going great. Our family medical histories were taken and my blood was drawn for routine tests. I had no out of the ordinary concerns and although I had to excuse myself a few times for potty breaks (after training a toddler, I don't think you ever call it anything else for quite some time), both baby and mother are healthy.

Second Ultrasound

2009-07-26T12:46:00.000-04:00

Second ultrasound was on July 17, 2009. Ken and Emma were both able to make this appointment. Baby Hamilton is 8 weeks 4 days here and heartbeat is at 175.

This ultrasound technician was not as good as my usual person so this picture looks a lot worse than the last one but what is obvious is my growing uterus!! (Not to get all technical on you guys!)

Although I'm not really showing yet at this point, my entire abdominal area is sensitive to the touch and bothersome to have any (and I mean ANY) pressure (light or heavy) on it.

I even lost quite a bit of weight although I'm not sure where since my clothes aren't fitting like they should and can I repeat my last paragraph? ANY pressure!!

The most noticeable changes these days aren't physical! They are emotional and internal - nausea, dizziness, queasy with sudden movements or long car rides and sensitivity to many, many smells. I suddenly also have an aversion to a lot of foods I used to love. I'm also saddened and upset to report that my most beloved tomato in all of its glorious forms is not currently a food option without acquiescing to cardiac arrest inducing heartburn.

I'm looking forward to the end of the First Trimester as I've read on many sites and in several books that is when a lot of these inhumane treatment to preggers tapers off and you enter Pregnancy Utopia.

Telling the Grandparents

2009-07-26T12:35:00.001-04:00

Up until now, we hadn't really told anyone of our news for a couple of reasons. The biggest reason was that I was considered high risk and in the beginning, that equated to waiting to let people know until we were past the Danger Zone (aka First Trimester).

Yet, high risk or not, we were bursting at the seams to tell someone and we definitely wanted to tell our parents first. So over the course of two weeks at the end of June and into July, we shared the news with my parents and his parents in person.

The news was met with surprise and congratulations (of course!) I even had the first ultrasound picture to share with everyone!

First Ultrasound ...

2009-07-26T11:55:00.003-04:00

My first ultrasound was on Wednesday, July 1, 2009. The baby is 6 weeks 4 days and heartbeat 105 bpm. Ken was unable to make it to this appointment because of his increased travelling schedule these days. Although I wished he were there, it didn't take away from the excitement I felt actually seeing what was happening inside.

You can barely see the little halo where this little one is! I don't think it's really set in for me that there was a little someone growing in there but baby was there!