I know that it has been a few days but the days blend together as one neverending surreal moment. I wonder what day today is and if it should even matter.
Regardless, the sun rises and sets as expected. Only my time has stood still.
I've had my share of medical challenges these past few years and have never pretended bravery but none so paramount as the one I've lost.
Here are some amazing things that have happened since:
I can still feel hot and cold on my skin.
I understand phantom pain and now know it exists.
My body is confused and wakes me up every two hours... if I was sleeping at all.
I am experiencing postpartum with only the "post" but no "partum".
It pains me to know that I'm not the first or last to know this pain.
Life does go on. With time, there will be healing and even this jagged memory's edges will soften to turn a comforting shade of gray.
HIS
I am starting off this post with the statement that I have never been good with words or expressing myself, but as I write this I am looking at the last ultra sound of my unborn daughter and a whole tidal wave of emotion is flowing over me.
Like I said I have never been good with expressing myself or showing much in the way of emotions in front of others. Maybe it is due to my thinking that showing emotions shows weakness or the fact I believe I need to be the strong one for others.
Whatever the case may be the one thing I know for sure is this, I have never felt anything so painful or such deep hurt as the night I lost my daughter. The pain inside me is greater knowing that I was not able to be there to comfort my new wife while she had to give birth. I feel such deep regret knowing she had to go through this alone without me there and or her family.
When I arrived at the hospital everything was already over…..our child was going to have to be born and there was nothing medically the doctor could do to save her. I knew something was terribly wrong when I told the nurse I was looking for my wife Naria and without ever saying a word he briskly showed me to her room.
My wife laid there with a look of strength in her eyes as she told me the news about what happened. The news hit me like a sledge hammer and I was in a state of disbelief and shock.
I am not going to go into detail of what happened nor am I going state how tragic this has all been, but what I am going to share with each of you is how much joy and love I felt for Naria when our baby was placed in her arms. At that moment all my walls were broken down, every emotion I had bottled up inside me flowed out of me and I knew, I knew right then and there, I would not give up hope and do everything in my power to make sure we would have a child!
To my daughter Nari, words cannot describe how sorry I am that daddy was not there to bear witness to your arrival in this world, but you did something that no other person on this earth has been able to do…….you’ve broke down those walls and barriers I have had up for so many years and allowed me to love unconditionally again. Your mother and I will cherish this moment in time and we will honor you every year.
Love Daddy!
Like I said I have never been good with expressing myself or showing much in the way of emotions in front of others. Maybe it is due to my thinking that showing emotions shows weakness or the fact I believe I need to be the strong one for others.
Whatever the case may be the one thing I know for sure is this, I have never felt anything so painful or such deep hurt as the night I lost my daughter. The pain inside me is greater knowing that I was not able to be there to comfort my new wife while she had to give birth. I feel such deep regret knowing she had to go through this alone without me there and or her family.
When I arrived at the hospital everything was already over…..our child was going to have to be born and there was nothing medically the doctor could do to save her. I knew something was terribly wrong when I told the nurse I was looking for my wife Naria and without ever saying a word he briskly showed me to her room.
My wife laid there with a look of strength in her eyes as she told me the news about what happened. The news hit me like a sledge hammer and I was in a state of disbelief and shock.
I am not going to go into detail of what happened nor am I going state how tragic this has all been, but what I am going to share with each of you is how much joy and love I felt for Naria when our baby was placed in her arms. At that moment all my walls were broken down, every emotion I had bottled up inside me flowed out of me and I knew, I knew right then and there, I would not give up hope and do everything in my power to make sure we would have a child!
To my daughter Nari, words cannot describe how sorry I am that daddy was not there to bear witness to your arrival in this world, but you did something that no other person on this earth has been able to do…….you’ve broke down those walls and barriers I have had up for so many years and allowed me to love unconditionally again. Your mother and I will cherish this moment in time and we will honor you every year.
Love Daddy!
OURS
Nari G. Hamilton was born on October 6, 2009 at 11:30pm at Melrose-Wakefield Hospital 20 weeks premature. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes surrounding doll-like perfection haloed by her peaceful sleeping face.
We cradled our baby ... whispered "We love you" and felt blessed to have met her.
1 comment:
Hi Naria, I am so sorry to hear this new. I hope everything is find with you guys, i know you two is going threw a lot right now so i won't write too much. i just want to let you know that if you need anything or you want anyone to talk to i'll be here, just call me. I know is not easy for you right now but i wish you the best and get well soon. Love PC
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