Reality Bites

Many people want to know ...

How are you doing?

The answer is:

We're doing.

We're collecting bits and pieces of our lives back up from where we left them. Grief is a strange animal that lurks in deep dark shadows that attacks suddenly and sometimes without obvious provocation. That is the nature of the beast. We know that.

Any loss is difficult but repeating history within a span of a year is a shattering reality.

But, we have not given up.

Hope can still spring from this despair.

That's what we're breathing here.

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Can lightening strike someone twice?

Yes, it can.

As I lay there with my dying son in one arm and my broken husband in the other, below the white sheet between them laid evidence of the devastation that brought us together.

If you'd like the back story to prevent asking us painful questions like "What happened?", here are the basics. 

I was admitted into the hospital on Tuesday night, October 12th and put on strict bedrest. I was only 22 weeks and 2 days ... only a few weeks shy of possible infant viability. Despite best efforts, contractions and labor on Sunday morning (October 17th) brought our little boy into this world at only 23 weeks old.

If you've never had to bury your child, there are no words to convey the feelings.

If you've had to bury more than one, than you'd know that pure obliteration of human feeling exists.

Matthew Douglas Hamilton was born on October 17, 2010 with his mother's nose and his father's broad shoulders. He will always be lovingly remembered by his mother and father. Matthew joins his sister Nari and they watch over us always.

Baby Update

I'm still sick. All the tea, broth and meds haven't helped a lick. It is bringing me close to my wit's end here. All of my symptoms are probably also exacerbated by the fact that I have NOT been able to sleep a wink since the MINUTE I lay down in a horizontal position, the fits commence. The only other ones here to share my misery are the dog and cat.

Anyway, forget my misery for a minute and let's talk baby!

Baby is now 21 weeks and 2 days (today).

Here is some fast facts below (taken from The Bump and Baby Zone):

Baby is now the size of a banana! Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion, and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper at birth. And, if baby is a girl, her womb is now stocked up with her lifetime supply of six million eggs (the number will drop to around one million by birth).

The little one will begin to fill out over the next few weeks. Fat layers are forming throughout baby's body. These layers will eventually keep baby warm and insulated once outside the womb. Soft hair, called lanugo, covers baby's body, too. Baby's eyelids are still closed, making baby appear asleep but frequent wiggles lets me know that baby is awake. I may also feel baby hiccuping. Those jerky motions are a result of little lungs practicing the important task of breathing.

Sickness during a Delicate Time

No one enjoys being sick when they have absolutely nothing else going on around them. Add something ... oh, let's just say pregnancy ... into the fray and it's a horse of a completely different color altogether!

One the major things is having to scrutinize any medications before taking them to ensure proven safety to this little one inside. It's a completely horrible experience to be this miserable and hope that that misery isn't seeping through to the baby. Even now, I just can't bear thinking that the baby might be suffering.

I've been assured that the baby probably has no idea I'm even sick other than noticing the increased amount of fluids and all the jiggling around due to the sneezing and coughing.

I haven't been able to sleep in several days since the minute I lay down, a coughing fit begins. This is in addition to the broken sleep I'd been getting due to all the bathroom trips.

Now, I know this entire post is a huge vent session but this is my reality lately and I'm bringing it to you.

Yesterday, to add to an already dreadful time, I threw my back out. Not picking up anything heavy or doing some crazy exercise. Simply getting one roll of toilet paper onto the holder *POP* goes the back!

Try putting on socks, pants or even going to the bathroom this way. It's just no way to live, folks!

So to recap:

• hacking cough
• no sleep
• no effective meds
• no bending over
• painful bathroom visits (sitting, wiping and standing ... not the actual going or doing)

I've simply had better days and hope that goes away this week. I have multiple doctor's appointments today ranging from the therapist to the family practioner to fuel that hope.

Wish me luck!