They are Here!!!

So this is a little late but I've been busy changing diapers and feeding mouths around here!
I'm happy to announce that we welcomed two additions to our home on November 18, 2011.

Matthew Douglas Hamilton was born at 9:45am. He was 7 pounds 2 ounces and 20 inches long. He is our little monkey baby with a head full of dark hair and plenty of body hair to match!

Aria Yong Hamilton was born at 9:46am. She was 5 pounds 11 ounces and 18 inches long. She is our dainty angel with a little halo of fuzz on her head.

Every task is doubled and now that Ken has returned to work, I have all the night time feedings and diaper changes. That transition hasn't been easy while also trying to recover from my c-section.

Regardless of the lack of sleep and any discomfort, they are my miracle babies. They were born full term at great birth weights. Neither of them needed to go into the NICU as many twins do and were able to come home when I was discharged from the hospital.

Since we've been home, they've been eating great, gaining weight and have been such good babies. They've brought us such peace and a wholeness to our lives.

We were lucky enough to bring them home a few days before Thanksgiving ...



... and we are thankful for our blessings.

(btw, in case you're wondering:

Matthew's shirt says "Mommy's little turkey" and Aria's shirt says "Thankful for daddy".)

We gave them their first baths this past Monday. I can tell you that they weren't as excited as we were.

Matthew's "BEFORE" photo = Content

During...

...and Matthew's "AFTER" photo = NOT content

Aria's "BEFORE" photo seconds before water ...

...And here come the waterworks!

...and drying off ... and camera shy.

Even though the babies weren't as excited about their bath as Ken and I were, it simply illustrates why parents become parents. Reliving every experience through their eyes makes even the most mundane seem like an adventure.

Check back often for updates and our latest adventures!

Home Bound

Just to start off, I'd like to give you an update on my coveted snow cone machine ... that never materialized. The one that I wanted to get wasn't in stock at the store ... so now I'm debating whether to order the darn thing online or just scrap the entire idea.

The weather here is cooler now (well, today) so the urgency and desire for it has dwindled considerably. We're in NH so by now, we usually see the leaves changing to mark the Fall season. A handful have but because the weather has been so unpredictable, the plants seem to be confused what time of year it is. I have spring flowers blooming!

In other news, my doctor told me at my most recent office visit this past week that she would like me to stay home until the babies are born. My work schedule had already been decreased to three days in the office and two days at home. So until further notice, I'll be working from home full time now (except the few days I'll trek into the office to train my temp). Unfortunately, the temp hasn't even been hired yet so let's just hope nothing happens until I'm able to put in a few solid days of training.

The rest of the visit just talked about any other symptoms I may be experiencing. I think it's a lot of the usual stuff that happens at this point in the journey. Ligament pain, soreness, fatigue, pressure and the overall feelings of "Enough already!"

Honestly, most of it isn't horrible except trying to extricate myself from the pillow fortress I must recreate in bed each night to get to the bathroom in the dead of night ... only to find that by the time I get there and sit down, someone has moved.

Pee? What pee?

I still have several weeks to go since I am not scheduled for my C-Section until the week before Thanksgiving. I'm usually the one who cooks Thanksgiving dinner every year - bird to all the fixins - but I won't be doing any cooking at all this year. I've been told by my husband that he will be ordering turkey dinner in (which I'm wary of) but I'll leave those details to him for once. I'll be busy juggling babies' feeding schedules!

Nothing new in the nursery yet.

Baby shower is this Sunday though!

Ken has been working hard to keep as many details a secret as possible.

Pictures and details to follow ...

I didn't know THAT?!

I am reading this article about Month 1 after baby is born. Much of it is the usual thing that most of us already know. Yes, the body is covered in lanugo that disappears shortly after. Babies are covered with vernix at birth and their heads are cone shaped (if delivered naturally) and have soft spots in the head. Some newborns experience jaundice and is common in about 25% of healthy infants.

Yada, yada, yada.

Then, I read this little part about a few peculiarities:

"Some boys might have enlarged breasts, a result of Mom's hormones having crossed the placenta."

Hmmm. Ok.

"The condition will disappear in a few days."

Whew!

"You may also wonder why your son is having erections."

Huh? and Wha?!

"These are common and frequent, often caused by pressure from feces or a full bladder."

Oh.  Ehhh.

I'm not sure if anyone else has read those tidbits before but that was NEWS to me that I thought interesting to share.

Basically, it just reaffirms what I've already known for years.

Boys are just made differently than girls.

No Title

Can lightening strike someone twice?

Yes, it can.

As I lay there with my dying son in one arm and my broken husband in the other, below the white sheet between them laid evidence of the devastation that brought us together.

If you'd like the back story to prevent asking us painful questions like "What happened?", here are the basics. 

I was admitted into the hospital on Tuesday night, October 12th and put on strict bedrest. I was only 22 weeks and 2 days ... only a few weeks shy of possible infant viability. Despite best efforts, contractions and labor on Sunday morning (October 17th) brought our little boy into this world at only 23 weeks old.

If you've never had to bury your child, there are no words to convey the feelings.

If you've had to bury more than one, than you'd know that pure obliteration of human feeling exists.

Matthew Douglas Hamilton was born on October 17, 2010 with his mother's nose and his father's broad shoulders. He will always be lovingly remembered by his mother and father. Matthew joins his sister Nari and they watch over us always.

Wishful Thinking ...

I think everybody has those moments where you take a snapshot of a moment in your life and wish it away. Those moments make you doubt the person you are and test what you're made of. Most have a love/hate relationship with those moments. I know I do.

I'm looking at the tall turntable of festive and LUSCIOUS cupcakes.  The heavenly aroma of freshly brewed specialty coffees hangs in the air. I've been sitting in a quirky coffeeshop plugged into my iTunes and hooked into their Wi-Fi just loving this moment.

In the time of year where the focus is what we are thankful for, it is very difficult for me to BE thankful although I know that there is much I AM thankful for. Focusing on the positive is unfailingly exhausting these days but I'm trying.

I'd like to share with you my list of things that I'm thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for ...

... the unseasonably warm days of November in New England.

... the turning of the seasons (I would surely miss it if I were ever to leave this area).

... my understanding, supportive and positive husband.

... my well-intentioned family (you all know what I'm talking about here).

... knowing pain to appreciate joy that much more.

... understanding loss to treasure the present.

... feeling grief to honor my past.

... experiencing birth, even in it's tragedy, to realize miracles happen.

Life doesn't always happen in the ways that you might expect and often times, we're left with the scars and gaping wounds that can only hope to heal in time. Yet, even through the times where you aren't sure why "bad things can happen to good people" or why "good things can happen to bad people", stay faithful to the first phrase.

What do I mean by that?

Remember that you are a good person. Bad is the balance of good and that the grass always seem greener on the other side.

Thanksgiving is about more than food, it's about family and appreciating the glue that keeps it together ... whatever that may be!

Wishing eveyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!

p.s. Send me updates on your Thanksgiving. I'll be posting pictures and possible personal recipes after the holiday.

Formalities

For those unaware (and trust me, I was most certainly unaware), in 2002, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts enacted a state law that gives parents who have experienced a pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth the option to request that the state Registrar of Vital Records issue a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. 

The above is taken directly from the reverse side of the application that was given to us by the hospital social worker while we were still there. I realized I hadn't read it completely until today.

It also states:

The law gives parents the option of requesting a certificate at any time in the future.

Given the option, Ken and I decided that we did want a birth certificate so we promptly mailed our application and check the day after we came home from the hospital.  It arrived in the mail just yesterday and here it is framed.

I'm sorry that this picture is not very clear. The ball of light you see is the camera flash but you will see that I added the little scrollwork up top and the pink footprint onto the cardboard matting.

Little by little, these are the ways we are healing and honoring our baby. Time is a conscionable thief. Taking the mediocrity out of each day but leaving the illusion of feeling that day only yesterday.

The Newlywed Game

Mondays are busy for everyone but considering my temporary hiatus from work, I have had the luxury of sleeping in and taking it easy.

Yesterday was a little different. I woke up early to see my husband off to his client in Connecticut and I left soon after for a meeting of my own. As I sat in crawling traffic on the way, my mind wandered to how I might be feeling and how much my belly would have grown if I were still pregnant. 

I would have been 24 weeks by now. Most of the physical afterbirth side effects have disappeared but I'm still blanketed by the emotional ones. At Ken's suggestion, I've since unsubscribed from all the pregnancy updates and emails so I'm not sure what she might have been up to by now. I have to admit, there are times when Ken is right (yes, I committed that to writing!).

We're waiting to have Nari's ashes returned from the funeral home. What happens after that isn't public information but her parents have a special plan.

What is God's grand design for us? Whatever it is, my hope is to discover the silver lining in hindsight. Regardless of whether we can recognize what The Plan might be, it is important to have faith.

Ken and I are not religious by any means. We were both raised Catholic and attended parochial schools but don't feel as though our faith is demonstrated by our attendance. By faith, I mean it in other ways in addition to and beyond the confines of a few hours each week in a specific location.

What do I mean? Faith in each other. Faith in ourselves. Faith in our future.

Without faith, we wouldn't have made it through the night at the hospital, the day we came home and the blurred days immediately after. Without faith, we wouldn't have hope for our future and the strength to stay positive. Most importantly, faith guides Ken and I to be who we need the other to be for each other. It isn't foolproof (ask either of us!). We're not keeping score. We're keeping the faith!

We haven't been married very long but it's safe to say that we've been through hell in a sandstorm during what should have been our honeymoon. I say that with a chuckle and have still retained a sense of humor through it all.

Final Post from Both of Us

HERS

I know that it has been a few days but the days blend together as one neverending surreal moment. I wonder what day today is and if it should even matter.

Regardless, the sun rises and sets as expected. Only my time has stood still.

I've had my share of medical challenges these past few years and have never pretended bravery but none so paramount as the one I've lost.

Here are some amazing things that have happened since:
  I can still feel hot and cold on my skin.
  I understand phantom pain and now know it exists.
  My body is confused and wakes me up every two hours... if I was sleeping at all.
  I am experiencing postpartum with only the "post" but no "partum".
  It pains me to know that I'm not the first or last to know this pain.

Life does go on. With time, there will be healing and even this jagged memory's edges will soften to turn a comforting shade of gray.

HIS

I am starting off this post with the statement that I have never been good with words or expressing myself, but as I write this I am looking at the last ultra sound of my unborn daughter and a whole tidal wave of emotion is flowing over me.

Like I said I have never been good with expressing myself or showing much in the way of emotions in front of others. Maybe it is due to my thinking that showing emotions shows weakness or the fact I believe I need to be the strong one for others.

Whatever the case may be the one thing I know for sure is this, I have never felt anything so painful or such deep hurt as the night I lost my daughter. The pain inside me is greater knowing that I was not able to be there to comfort my new wife while she had to give birth. I feel such deep regret knowing she had to go through this alone without me there and or her family.

When I arrived at the hospital everything was already over…..our child was going to have to be born and there was nothing medically the doctor could do to save her. I knew something was terribly wrong when I told the nurse I was looking for my wife Naria and without ever saying a word he briskly showed me to her room.

My wife laid there with a look of strength in her eyes as she told me the news about what happened. The news hit me like a sledge hammer and I was in a state of disbelief and shock.

I am not going to go into detail of what happened nor am I going state how tragic this has all been, but what I am going to share with each of you is how much joy and love I felt for Naria when our baby was placed in her arms. At that moment all my walls were broken down, every emotion I had bottled up inside me flowed out of me and I knew, I knew right then and there, I would not give up hope and do everything in my power to make sure we would have a child!

To my daughter Nari, words cannot describe how sorry I am that daddy was not there to bear witness to your arrival in this world, but you did something that no other person on this earth has been able to do…….you’ve broke down those walls and barriers I have had up for so many years and allowed me to love unconditionally again. Your mother and I will cherish this moment in time and we will honor you every year.

Love Daddy!

OURS

Nari G. Hamilton was born on October 6, 2009 at 11:30pm at Melrose-Wakefield Hospital 20 weeks premature. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes surrounding doll-like perfection haloed by her peaceful sleeping face.

We cradled our baby ... whispered "We love you" and felt blessed to have met her.