Immortality

Most people don't realize their own imprint on this world. Movies have been made, books have been written and philosophers have lamented the same to expose this truth. Yet it is a revelation to that person who realizes what importance they contribute to another person, a place or just themselves. It cannot be taught or learned, it simply must be believed.

For someone to leave such an impact usually requires time. For those someones who have not been able to experience that luxury, what impact do they impart? Is there any?

I say "Yes" - emphatically.

Nari and Matthew have made such permanent impressions on our hearts. The kind of impression that leaves an aching bruise slow to heal. It has changed our lives forever.

This ache and the burning desire to let our angels know that they have left their mark in this world resulted in permament marks of our own:


Ken's fresh ink

 

Fresh ink ... also most probably my first (and last)



I have never felt more compelled to show what I feel inside on the outside.

          And now?
                    It shows.

Baby Steps

Time does not necessarily make things better but it does make things easier.

How?

It is easier to tell my children's stories and talk about their lives. I find it to be a healing process to do so.

That's just me.

It is easier to go about the business of living.
Waking up, making meals, going to work and making idle chit-chat.

Eventually, I know sleep will come easier.
Slowly, energy and physical activity is becoming easier.

What's in store for our future?

We don't know but you know that saying "Where there's a will, there's a way"?

For us, it is "Where there is a way, we have the will".

Pearls

We've been through a lot and I can't speak for my husband but I can tell you what I've learned during our fertility struggles and tragic experiences.

I've learned that ...
   ... grief is like a common cold. There is no cure, it lingers and only time will heal it.
   ... it is important to pay attention to yourself.
   ... you must let yourself recover both physically AND emotionally.
   ... I love this quote: "Learn from Yesterday, Live for Today and Hope for Tomorrow".
   ... there is no right way to mourn a loss, there is only your own way.
   ... we must take care of ourselves before others.
   ... it is ok to lean on your spouse, your family and your friends for support and love.
   ... we don't dwell on the past but dream about our future.
   ... asking for privacy or declining a question is not rude, it is a right.
   ... you shouldn't feel guilty about having a happy moment, laughing again or enjoying your life.

Unless you're someone who has been through a similar experience, it's difficult to come close to understanding how the mind races and the heart aches for someone who said hello and goodbye in one breath. We don't pretend to know everything. We certainly didn't want to be experts on grief and loss.

Simply put, the construct of our mourning has not and does not consume our lives, it brings more meaning to it.

Ken and I truly appreciate all of our family and friends who have kept us in their thoughts and prayers these past few weeks.

And So We Meet Again ...

I haven't been back here for quite some months now. I liken it to a war veteran revisiting a place where they've seen horror. Can't go back until you're ready. Definitely can't imagine it even ever happened except that the place really exists.

But I'm not here to talk about the past.
We have a very special announcement that we're ready to share ...

* * * drum roll please * * *

We're expecting!

I'm currently 15 weeks along and feeling joy from the inside out. Once I can figure out how our scanner works, I'll be uploading all of the ultrasound pictures. Unlike last year, I've already "bloomed" all over. It's quite overwhelming that it has happened so much earlier (about four weeks earlier) than last year but I am drinking it all in ... although my doctor would be happier if I were literally drinking more (tsk tsk to less than 64 ounces per day. Can anyone drink that much and walk any more than 10 feet away from a toilet?).

We're happy.
We're excited.
       But
We're also anxious.
We're worried.

So please keep that in mind when asking us personal questions.

Check back here often for updates and pictures (only ultrasound ones for now). And of course all of my inane questions and insights about maternity clothes, baby products, breastfeeding and anything in between.

We want to thank everyone for their support and hope that this all finds you well.

The Holiday Spirit

Stores are blaring it, stations are playing it and we're humming along to it. Christmas is here when Oldies 103.3 FM  dedicates its entire playlist of everyday to the Sounds of the Season.  I admit, I've been getting in the spirit too and have settled on the Holiday music channel on TV more than a few times.

Ken and I have put it off for some time but we are finally placing our daughter's ashes to rest somewhere we can visit each year on her birth date. It's already and only been two months since that date. We've thought about this since then and realized that we were partly also afraid to face that reality head on.

How does someone bury their own child?

I don't even know the answer to that question. However, I do know how important it is for us to do this because it is more than going through the motions of the burial itself. There is such significant symbolism exhibited by our actions to do so and actively pushes PLAY on all the efforts we've invested thus far.

I won't rattle off the countless clichés about loved ones and the holidays that come to mind because we've heard them all before, right? What I will say is that none of those heartfelt Hallmark clichés spark chords with a person until their life experience allows them access.

Ok, just one saying about family and home ~ one of my favorites ...

Houses are made of sticks and stones, but

Homes are made of love alone.

Wishful Thinking ...

I think everybody has those moments where you take a snapshot of a moment in your life and wish it away. Those moments make you doubt the person you are and test what you're made of. Most have a love/hate relationship with those moments. I know I do.

I'm looking at the tall turntable of festive and LUSCIOUS cupcakes.  The heavenly aroma of freshly brewed specialty coffees hangs in the air. I've been sitting in a quirky coffeeshop plugged into my iTunes and hooked into their Wi-Fi just loving this moment.

In the time of year where the focus is what we are thankful for, it is very difficult for me to BE thankful although I know that there is much I AM thankful for. Focusing on the positive is unfailingly exhausting these days but I'm trying.

I'd like to share with you my list of things that I'm thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for ...

... the unseasonably warm days of November in New England.

... the turning of the seasons (I would surely miss it if I were ever to leave this area).

... my understanding, supportive and positive husband.

... my well-intentioned family (you all know what I'm talking about here).

... knowing pain to appreciate joy that much more.

... understanding loss to treasure the present.

... feeling grief to honor my past.

... experiencing birth, even in it's tragedy, to realize miracles happen.

Life doesn't always happen in the ways that you might expect and often times, we're left with the scars and gaping wounds that can only hope to heal in time. Yet, even through the times where you aren't sure why "bad things can happen to good people" or why "good things can happen to bad people", stay faithful to the first phrase.

What do I mean by that?

Remember that you are a good person. Bad is the balance of good and that the grass always seem greener on the other side.

Thanksgiving is about more than food, it's about family and appreciating the glue that keeps it together ... whatever that may be!

Wishing eveyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!

p.s. Send me updates on your Thanksgiving. I'll be posting pictures and possible personal recipes after the holiday.

My First Time

Perhaps I'm naive or just plain ignorant but in this case, I wished to ascribe the saying "Ignorance is bliss" to myself.

~ flash back ~

I picked up Nari's ashes on Tuesday afternoon from the hospital. It arrived in a white paper gift bag, in a white box accompanied by a white envelope with gold writing. I'm not sure if all the white was intentional but it did invoke images of heaven, haloes, winged spirits and innocence but I immediately rejected them all.

Here is where my naivete kicks in ...

While the social worker was busy asking me about how I was coping, feeling and doing, all I spied with my little eye were the cremains perched on a cluttered entryway table.

What do they look like?

How do they package this?

Was that really my baby in there?

Not pleasant thoughts.

I was surprised to see that white envelope with all the fancy gold writing. What was in there? Oh ... the Death Certificate. I never knew there was such a thing and although it made logical sense (if there is a Birth Certificate, of course there would be such a thing as a Death certificate), my emotional sense was hurt by it.

There were a lot of mixed emotions coursing through my system while I drove home. The white bag sat small in the passenger seat but exuded such a presence. I will say that it isn't quite the way I imagined bringing my baby home.

Formalities

For those unaware (and trust me, I was most certainly unaware), in 2002, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts enacted a state law that gives parents who have experienced a pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth the option to request that the state Registrar of Vital Records issue a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. 

The above is taken directly from the reverse side of the application that was given to us by the hospital social worker while we were still there. I realized I hadn't read it completely until today.

It also states:

The law gives parents the option of requesting a certificate at any time in the future.

Given the option, Ken and I decided that we did want a birth certificate so we promptly mailed our application and check the day after we came home from the hospital.  It arrived in the mail just yesterday and here it is framed.

I'm sorry that this picture is not very clear. The ball of light you see is the camera flash but you will see that I added the little scrollwork up top and the pink footprint onto the cardboard matting.

Little by little, these are the ways we are healing and honoring our baby. Time is a conscionable thief. Taking the mediocrity out of each day but leaving the illusion of feeling that day only yesterday.