Immortality

Most people don't realize their own imprint on this world. Movies have been made, books have been written and philosophers have lamented the same to expose this truth. Yet it is a revelation to that person who realizes what importance they contribute to another person, a place or just themselves. It cannot be taught or learned, it simply must be believed.

For someone to leave such an impact usually requires time. For those someones who have not been able to experience that luxury, what impact do they impart? Is there any?

I say "Yes" - emphatically.

Nari and Matthew have made such permanent impressions on our hearts. The kind of impression that leaves an aching bruise slow to heal. It has changed our lives forever.

This ache and the burning desire to let our angels know that they have left their mark in this world resulted in permament marks of our own:


Ken's fresh ink

 

Fresh ink ... also most probably my first (and last)



I have never felt more compelled to show what I feel inside on the outside.

          And now?
                    It shows.

Baby Steps

Time does not necessarily make things better but it does make things easier.

How?

It is easier to tell my children's stories and talk about their lives. I find it to be a healing process to do so.

That's just me.

It is easier to go about the business of living.
Waking up, making meals, going to work and making idle chit-chat.

Eventually, I know sleep will come easier.
Slowly, energy and physical activity is becoming easier.

What's in store for our future?

We don't know but you know that saying "Where there's a will, there's a way"?

For us, it is "Where there is a way, we have the will".

Humble Gratitude

"Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."

Ezra 10:4

Although many of you have credited us with having the courage and optimism that has allowed us to maintain our hope, we cannot imagine having done all this alone. Through the outpouring of your tears, messages, cards, visits, phone calls, emails, condolences and thoughtful gifts and gestures, we are truly blessed. We just didn't expect all of this and are not used to all the attention.

Most times, it seems grossly inadequate to simply tell someone thank you. We want so much for our family and friends to understand that the "thank you" we're desperately trying to convey holds so much more than the nonchalant thank you's we exchange everyday to the waiter for bringing your food or the cashier giving you your receipt.

Here is our homage of thanks in the form of pictures and words taken from the cards and emails we've received. They are in no particular order, sender's names are not mentioned and these are certainly not all-inclusive.

When your heart needs reprieve and your strength is running low, I will share your tears.

In the hardest things we do ... love sees us through.

If you need some distraction, I would be happy to come see you and play the clown.

A wish for hope and for comfort ...

In these days and nights of sorrow, know that you are not alone but are in the prayers, the thoughts, and hearts of those who care.

I hope you will be able to take comfort in whatever vision you each may have of heaven.

... pray that you have the strength to get through this. You and Ken are in my thoughts and prayers.

We are both here for you when you are ready.

If you need anything, you know where to ask.

I send only my greatest thoughts and warmest love to you at this time.

Our hearts ache with yours; we pray for comfort and healing during this difficult time.

If you ever need an escape or a shoulder to cry on, please always feel free to give me a call.

Let me know and I'll be there whenever.

I just want to let you know that I will do ANYTHING that you want ... I will be there for a shoulder to cry on, go out, make you dinner, ANYTHING!!! I love you!

To suffer a loss like yours is to know a loss unlike any other ... it means letting go of a beautiful part of your life.

Ken and I both want everyone to know that we're still optimistic about the future and are taking steps to realize our dreams. Thank you all for the many things - especially the intangible things - that you've given us. We are enveloped by the warmth of your prayers and wishes.

Your Resolutions

The start of a new year is drawing nearer each passing moment ...

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock ...

and what are the types of things we're so determined to stand firm on next year?

Are we convinced that this is the year we'll lose those pesky ten (maybe more like twenty) pounds gained over the holidays?

Is it decided that we'll make more time for ourselves, our children or our spouses?

Become a better friend, a more caring sibling or a considerate neighbor?

Whatever it is that you're hoping, wishing and dreaming about for 2010, there is little consolation that these things don't happen on their own. These things must take on a life of their own and more than just a slight modicum of effort on ourselves for it to materialize.

Thank you friends, family and e-samaritans for unfailing support, renewed energy and exemplifying the magnitude an act of simple human kindness can impress on a person.

Wishing everyone out there a safe and Happy New Year! See you in 2010!!

Sweet Tooth

Oreo truffles were devoured at work - both Ken's and mine! In fact, I had to get them out of the house before Ken gorged himself on them. I love baking for the holidays. Actually, that's not true. I love baking any time of year but it's probably the one time of year you can get away with baking so many sweets without the guilt. Well, not as much anyway.

This past Sunday, a dear pastor friend of mine preached a great message (as told to me by my other dear friend, his wife). I'd like to share it with you.

It was about "Unlocking Uncommon Blessings/Favor" in one's life. He said,

"Touch your heart & say this to yourself out loud:

I Am Sacred. What's Inside Me Is Sacred. And I Need to Treat it That Way."

I am in agreement that once I heard it, that one line has also rocked my world.

I am Sacred.

What's inside me is Sacred.

And I need to treat it That Way.

 

Have you been wasting the best parts of yourself on things, situations and people who STILL don't understand the value of who you really are?

Pause for a moment and remember: your body is a temple.

Treat it that way.

And treat others with the same honor & respect.

All credit for that message due to Rhema Fellowship Church and its great Pastor Green and First Lady.

Letting in the Light

Today is only Tuesday but I would believe it if someone told me it was really Friday.  We were only pretending today was Tuesday. Everyone loves to play pretend, right?

Yesterday was my first day back to work. I had taken a little less than four weeks off from work thinking that would be enough to physically heal, mentally regroup and tie up most of our administrative loose ends. Turns out it takes a lot longer than four weeks to do all of that. Who knew?

Physically, things have calmed down. Sometimes my mind, body and heart don't all agree but I'm still moving, brain bustling and the blood is coursing in efforts to fuel my soul.

Several people have told me how strong I am. Others have asked where do I get this kind of strength?

I'll tell you an unsecret. I don't have strength. No, it is just that my heart and soul hasn't completely shut down. What an amazing self-discovery!

There have been many moments of sheer collapse.  It is strange because it isn't until your own most difficult times do you realize what virtues (that your fellow good citizen strives for) are ones you'd kept blissfully contained. 

I came back to the office after the company finished renovations to convert all of the cubicles and office walls to glass and a more open concept layout.  There have been reactions spanning each spectrum. Even stranger ... I, usually an outspoken advocate for causes and an enthusiastic picketer, haven't really felt anything about the changes one way or another. No overtly positive or adverse opinions.

I do notice the light that now floods the occupied and cramped space. I'm generally very sensitive to light due to my chronic migraines but so far, I haven't minded the light.

On the contrary, it reminds me of a quote that I'm fond of:

I keep the subject of my inquiry constantly before me, and wait till the first dawning opens gradually, by little and little, into a full and clear light.

~ Isaac Newton

I'm a notorious planner.

I'm a closet sentimental.

Now, I'm also the glass "a little more full".

Before this month, I did not even realize I was living in the dark but I'm opening up to the light and soaking it in.

Our Halloween Weekend

As a result of our often mismatched weekends, we always plan holidays and events around it. Very often, it's like getting bonus days that we have dubbed Hamilton Holidays.

This entire weekend, we're celebrating Hamilton Halloween.

Last weekend, we snuck in apple picking and found two perfect jack-o-lantern wannabes between the miserable drizzles. We didn't have enough time to do much with either the apples or the pumpkins that day but we'll be gutting, scooping and carefully carving out our pumpkins with Emma this weekend.

I Googled "carved pumpkins" for inspiration. You can imagine the many hundred images that appeared ...

... and if you know this little girl at all, you can take a wild guess as to which one we'll most likely be carving. Oh, and the Princess one that Emma will want.

Inspiration can be found in the most unexpected places and through unsuspecting actions.

I watch Ken working diligently at our breakfast bar and loading the dishwasher. Kitty is on my lap purring and I'm watching The Little Mermaid with Emma on the couch while she sniffs all the perfume samples in my O magazine.

Nondescript events without an ascribed purpose give me my moments of joy and sustain my well of inspiration. Events with a title are highly overrated.

In other news, I've rediscovered my love of treasure hunting and DIY projects. As we prepare ourselves for renovations in a new place, my little brain is furiously churning with more ideas than ink to jot them down. I'm carrying around a small journal in my purse for this reason because enlightenment can occur anywhere!

This weekend, my wonderful husband is picking up a craft table for me on the South shore. Thankfully, he humors all of my aspirations to become a famous crafter.

This is my first piece of furniture for my coveted craft room.

The other major piece will be custom built by Ken "The Tool Man" Hamilton. My boy is very handy with the hammer and nail so who am I to neglect his innate talent? Not I! I aim to encourage and cultivate ... and if that journey also involves something for me? Well, that would only be an unintentional but welcome side effect of my effortless educational coddling.